When Mom Takes a Bath

My new house has a fabulous huge tub complete with six water-shooting jets that so far only the kids have enjoyed.

Yesterday, 5:35 PM:

  • Dammit, I’m going to take a bath!
  • Oooh, I should put on a facemask before my bath!
  • I dig through my unpacked boxes and locate a facemask.
  • I apply the cool, thick, black mask. I am ready for some serious pampering.
  • But first I should find a home for every other object in those boxes.
  • In putting away the various bathroom items, I realize that the bathroom organization system I established when I first unpacked the other bathroom boxes isn’t going to work, so I redo the closet/drawers/cabinets in our bathroom, which necessitates redoing the closet/drawers/cabinets in the kids’ bathroom also.
  • While I’m in the kids’ bathroom I see that it’s gross. I clean it.
  • My kids notice that I’m not locked in my room like I said I was going to be.
  • They come upstairs to ask me for shit.
  • They see my face mask and freak out and think it’s hilarious and ask a million questions.
  • Where’s your father? Taking a nap.
  • I go downstairs with them to set them up with a TV show. No, not that show! Yes, this one. No I hate this one. But Moooommmmmyyyyyyy he got to pick last time! But it’s for stupid little babies. No it’s not! I like it. Then you’re a stupid little baby. Mooooommmmmyyyyyyy! He called me a stupid little baby! Etc etc etc etc etc.

6:25 PM:

  • I escape the whiny battle and my facemask is tight and cracking. Time to get in that bath!
  • I turn on the water.
  • I notice the sand and dirt left behind from my children’s earlier bath, after a morning of mud digging and frog catching. I have to clean the tub.
  • I clean the tub.
  • While I’m at it, I clean the sink and toilet.
  • Finally! I can take my bath!

6:40 PM:

  • I turn on the hot water and put in two scoops of the bath salts I unearthed while looking for my facemask, which, by the way, is beginning to burn.
  • What the heck, I deserve a third scoop.
  • I undress.
  • I realize that my book is on my iPad and iPads and baths don’t mix so I need to get an actual book, which means that I need to go downstairs to the bookshelf which is in the same room as the kids. Damn. Is it worth it?
  • I decide it is.
  • I put on my bathrobe, which I never use, and go downstairs.
  • I field a million questions about my seldom-used bathrobe and fetch a glass of water for one and a glass of milk for the other. And then ice for each.

6:45 PM:

  • Back upstairs I see that the bath is filling nicely. I step in.
  • Hmm, it’s not quite as hot as I had hoped. I feel the water still rushing from the tap. Ice cold.
  • I quickly turn off the water and am determined to enjoy my pretty-warm bath for as long as possible before it’s freezing.
  • I finally wash off the face mask and can only hope that the burning and itching will end eventually.
  • I put on the jets.
  • I try to get comfortable.
  • I realize why living room furniture is not designed after bathtubs.
  • I recommit to enjoying my damn self and getting relaxed as hell in my beautiful new bathtub.
  • I pull out my book, (I might have made the wrong choice): Siblings Without Rivalry.
  • I realize that I am parenting badly.
  • I realize that I am setting my children up for years of envy and bickering.
  • I realize that I am setting myself up for years of my children’s envy and bickering.
  • I realize that without any hot water, I can’t rinse off after my bath.
  • I resign myself to marinating in my own filth and calling it clean.
  • I get cold.
  • I get out.

7:05 PM:

  • Oh, good, you’re finally out. Hope you enjoyed your bath! You’re just in time to put the kids to bed.

And now I remember why I never take baths.



26 thoughts on “When Mom Takes a Bath

  1. Wow. Our bath times sound exactly the same. However, you have jets, so you can drown out any noises that might be happening downstairs. I have to continue to listen to the bickering and stomping and whining and then the inevitably loud bellow from my husband who’s had enough!!! I hope your move was somewhat smooth and I’m envious you have such a nice, big tub!!
    miamamma35 recently posted…Motherhood MorselsMy Profile

  2. Lol, I found the mistake. You have to wait for the kids to go to bed to try a bath. Then you only have one left to nag and annoy you! Although the cleaning always gets me, too.

  3. I need to get my wife a blog, cause it seems every mom blogger doesn’t have a task-sharing husband!…She’d be the only one, cause I know I “take care o’ma kidz!!”

  4. I avoid this by not having a bathtub at my house, but, I own the desire by wishing for one every damn day. I also think you should come to my house because, unlike you, I just ignore all of the organizing and cleaning needing to be done by closing my eyes and backing out of the room backwards. I hope you get a HOT bath at the Econo Lodge.
    Bad Parenting Moments recently posted…There is nothing wrong. A baby just came out of your vagina.My Profile

  5. LOL! I’m only laughing, because I remember those days. I’m going to sound like a horrible mother, but we can’t all be perfect…..I was so excited whenever I realized that my now 9 year old son was old enough to go upstairs by himself to play video games or watch TV or do whatever it is that he does, while I take a nice hot, relaxing bath. Then, I had to threaten my husband to leave me the hell alone while I am trying to relax. I think my husband took more training that my son. My point here, is that it does get easier and at some point in the future….you will get to take that nice, hot, relaxing bath without interruptions 😉

  6. Every time I try to take a bath my children forcibly join me. I swear they start to shed their clothes as soon as they hear the faucet. Then they complain about the temperature (TOO HOT!) and use my towel. I have a kindle and I just stick it in a giant ziplock bag when I am reading in the tub.

  7. Great post! You deserve the entire tub to yourself but (easy for me to say!) you will look back on these days with a smile on your face! (I was a single mother of 3 ages 1,3 and 5 that ended almost 8 years later! I can relate to this so much; and laughed too!)
    reocochran recently posted…Freshly Pressed: Friday FavesMy Profile

  8. You get to take a bath!? I’m still working on extending my quick showers before my 8 month old figure out I’m missing! =) Can’t wait to hit that milestone! Love your blog by the way! I thoroughly enjoy reading your posts.
    Kae James recently posted…Cranky baby, Tired mommy.My Profile

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