If I had a dime…

We could all use a little extra money, right? It’s so easy to spend a bit here and a bit there, and before long, those bits really add up! I’ve decided it’s time for a new savings plan. Just something simple for a little extra cash. But what should my new savings plan look like?

I considered a few options:

1) A swear jar.

  • Pros:
    • It would add up quickly.
  • Cons:
    • It would add up so quickly I’d go broke.
    • If I start calling out others on their language, they’ll start calling me out on mine. And I’ll fucking hate that.

2) Go vegetarian a few nights per week.

  • Pros:
    • Buying less meat would save money and help the environment!
    • We’d increase our intake of veggies and teach our children valuable lessons along the way.
  • Cons:
    • The only vegetarian meals my family find satisfying and delicious involve hearty portions of pasta and cheese. They get full; I get fat.
    • Any other vegetarian meals lead all members of my family to eat multiple post-dinner bowls of cereal. This ends up more expensive than meat and creates more dirty dishes, which sucks for me and the environment.

3) If I had a dime… How many times do you think “If I had a dime for every time…” I think it a lot. What if I actually got a dime every time? Ding! Ding! We have a winner!

  • Pros:
    • I’m getting free dimes from the universe!
  • Cons:
    • N/A

Practical Applications:

1) When you buy a pair of shoes do you ask the retailer how much money she’s going to make on the transaction? How about your kids’ teachers? Do you ask them how much they stand to gain from your children’s educations? No? I don’t either. Nor do I ask my doctor, UPS guy, or pharmacist. I imagine no one does. For some reason, however, upon hearing the words “blogger” or “writer” people immediately ask about income. “You’re a writer? Do you get paid for that?” “How much money do you make from your books?” “How much do you get paid to write on XYZ website?”

Writer Income

This isn’t limited to bloggers or self-published writers. I have friends with books published through traditional publishing houses and they’re constantly asked about how much money they make, if they get paid for speaking engagements, etc. Maybe this is something that happens in all creative fields. While I won’t answer the question, I’ll tell you this: there’s a reason no one’s Get Rich Quick Scheme looks like this:

Get Rich Quck

2) Not only am I a writer, but I’m also a mother. So my work happens in the same place as my family responsibilities. Now that both my kids are in school it seems that I have a ton of “free time.” I’d like to have a dime for every time I’m asked, “What are you going to do with all your free time?” That way, I won’t have to actually write every day or ever publish anything again. If anyone asks what I do all day I’ll just direct them to my giant piles of dimes.

The truth is that I’m not yet entirely sure what my life will look like with two school-aged kids and I’m trying to figure that out. I feel pressured to have a meaningful answer, some excuse or reason why I’m still valuable. When I’m asked what I’ll do with my free time, the implication is that writing or taking care of my household have no value or don’t count. A dime for each time I’m asked would certainly help to take the sting out of it.

3) I’m going to go ahead and ask for a dime every time my kids do all that shit they do: needing 101 things after bedtime – dime! Stripping and discarding their clothes on the floor anywhere in the house – dime! Asking me where their shoes are – dime! Sneezing directly into my face – dime! Fighting over something stupid… this list is extensive. In no time you’ll find me here:

I know you don’t normally come here for financial advice, but I think I’m onto something. With this savings plan, my family will have extra cash on hand for any unforeseen expenses or a splurge here and there. I see more date nights in my future, so this is even sound marriage advice! Truly, I think I’ve outdone myself. All this and the kids haven’t even been in school a week yet. Just think what I can do with all my newfound free time!

If I had a dime

Image sources:

http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/view-image.php?image=4458&picture=pocket-change

http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/view-image.php?image=23484&picture=typing-text

http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/view-image.php?image=20851&picture=dollars-and-euros-background

Scrooge McDuck, Disney

Stop Sally

I love the special magic that happens when a kid’s smartness intersects with her stupidness. I’m not saying my children are stupid people- they’re just children and all children are stupid people. So, yes, I guess I am saying that my children are stupid people. Anyway, my daughter loves to write.

Most of her writing is just senseless scribbles because she’s four years old, but she can write her name and suddenly can also write the word “stop.” This means that there are notes all over the house where she is apparently telling herself off.

Stop Sally

She tells herself off for banging on the bathroom door while I’m in there when she slides a note underneath that says, “Stop Sally.” Uh, yeah, that’s what I’ve been saying.

She tells herself off for calling to us after bedtime when she comes downstairs and hands me a “Stop Sally” note.

It’s perfect really. I can save my breath. I just need to teach her to write “Stop Luke” notes.

I Just Want to be Alone – an announcement

My husband and I have many things in common- we both think we’re both funny even when no one else does; neither of us likes Mad Men; and we’ve got these two kids- among other things. But we have some enormous differences as well- I believe that the outside of a pot needs to be cleaned in addition to the inside; I think it’s weird to eat one cookie allowing the rest of the package to go stale; and I’m a writer while he does not have a way with words. In fact, he often uses words incorrectly, uses the wrong word in place of one that sounds similar, and makes words up by accident.

You might hear him asking for a “slither” of cake.

Last night he had me cry-laughing because he kept saying “pumpkernickel.” He finally figured out why I was laughing, after his fifth or sixth “pumpkernickel,” but he didn’t know what was wrong with it. “It’s not pumpkernickel? Is it pumpnickel? Pump-ker-nickel. Are you sure that’s wrong? Pumkernickel. Pumpkernickel.” I was dying.

When you’re married you have to laugh at the little things, and if you pay enough attention, there are a ton of little things. My husband generally doesn’t love it when I write about him, but once in a while he gives his blessing. Which is lucky because…(drumroll)…

I have an announcement!  I am part of the much-anticipated follow-up to the best-selling anthology I Just Want to Pee Alone, put together by the incomparable Jen from People I Want to Punch in the Throat. I’m one of the Super Cool Lady Writers telling hilarious stories about the men in our lives.

I Just Want to be Alone

I Just Want to Be Alone is a collection of essays from 38 of the most Super Cool Lady Writers you’ll find on the web today.

Including:

I Just Want to be Alone will be available on March 22, 2014, but in the meantime you can pre-order it on Amazon. If you pre-order today, you get a discounted price! So, are you ready to find a few minutes alone to laugh your ass off? Pre-order your own copy, and one for all the laugh-loving women in your life.

Click here to pre-order a paperback copy.
Click here to pre-order a Kindle copy.

 

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