Getting there. Trying at least.

I’m shaken and constantly on the brink of tears. I feel sort of maniacal and hysterical lately. My nerves are so raw that whether I’m laughing or crying it’s with gusto, and I can change in an instant from one to the other. It’s all just part of the healing process I suppose, but I’m trying like hell to laugh and still find the funny.

Like when I ask my 3-year-old if she can count backwards and, after a moment’s confusion, she confidently turns her back to me and starts counting, “1, 2, 3…” Priceless.

I try hard to focus on my kids and their happiness. Not the kids who aren’t here anymore to fill their homes with noise. Not the kids who have witnessed the unthinkable and need to grapple with the impossible. Not the parents. Not the teachers and their families.

When my mind starts to wander to dark places, I try to come back to the kids right in front of me. I listen to Sally’s ridiculous pronunciation as she sings, “Gingle bells, gingle bells, gingle all the way!” I watch Luke dance, which he does with exuberance if any music is playing. He dances in stores and restaurants, around the house. He cannot help but feel the groove.

As the bus pulls away I try to think about the excitement my little man feels about his big independence. About the conversations he has with his friends which are entirely silly because they are by nature such silly creatures. Not about how I’ve let him out of my arms into the unknown. Not about the casual hugs goodbye that 20 parents gave their kids before school on Friday. Not about the inconceivable conversations his peers in Newtown are having with each other.

If you come here to laugh, I promise I’ll get back to funny as soon as I can. I think most people come here for a mix of laughter and comfort knowing you are not alone. So please take comfort in the fact that if you’re not OK, I’m not either. I have weird mixed emotions of guilt, despair, fear and anger, and slowly I’m finding little bits of humor in there as well. I’m all out of whack, so if you’re out of whack too it’s OK. If you’ve already found your humor again, spread it. We all need it.