An Insomniac’s Night

11:04 PM: Oh. It’s later than I thought. I guess I won’t read tonight. Straight to sleep!

11:06 PM: Shoot. I sort of need to pee. But so comfortable. So cold out there. I’m just going to ignore it.

12:35 AM: I HAVE TO PEE! But so cold out there.

12:45 AM: (Finally gets up to pee)

1:15 AM: (Can’t fall back to sleep. It’s hot. Kicks off a blanket.)

1:34 AM: (Can’t fall asleep. It’s freezing. Puts on a blanket.)

2:02 AM: Fuck this. I’m still awake. This sucks. My feet are cold, my middle is hot, my shoulders are cold. (Arranges blanket to cover feet and shoulders only. This is not easy to do while keeping blanket on sleeping husband.)

2:27 AM: Why am I lying in this weird contorted position? No wonder I’m awake. I should lie in a way I actually sleep. (Rolls over.)

2:35 AM: Nope, not like this. (Rolls over.)

2:41 AM: Nope. Not like this. (Rolls over.)

3:00 AM: Why am I lying in this weird contorted position? No wonder I’m awake. I should lie in a way I actually sleep. (Rolls over.)

3:03 AM: Nope, not like this. (Rolls over.)

3:07 AM: Nope. Not like this. (Rolls over.)

3:15 AM: If I roll over one more time Tim will smother me with a pillow. How many hours have I been awake now? Ummm, numbers are hard. I think I slept for an hour. Tomorrow should be a great day. Go to sleep NOW!


3:18-3:40 AM: Goes through 7 different home invasion scenarios. If the bad guys do it just right, we might just get out of here alive. Chances of living through the night? Probably about 36%.

3:41 AM: What’s that car doing on our street? Who drives around at 3:41 AM? Killers, that’s who.

3:42-4:00 AM: How long would it take before someone discovered that all of us have been murdered? Who would find us? How long would it take before someone noticed we were missing and got worried enough to check it out? No one expects us at school or anything. Oh, Tim’s work! They’d call in the morning when he didn’t show up. Then… what? They’d call a few times. At what point would they call the police? That seems so extreme. Who would call my mom? How would all my friends find out? Maybe my sister would post it on Facebook. I guess that’s what you do these days. Cleaning out and selling the house will be a terrible job for my mom. My poor mom. Ugh. Who would buy a house that my entire family was murdered in?

4:01 AM: Shut your stupid thoughts down, Allison. This is dumb. Why am I lying in this weird contorted position? No wonder I’m awake. I should lie in a way I actually sleep. (Rolls over.)

4:03 AM: I have a great idea for a blog post. I should write it down. Or, I could just get up and go downstairs to actually write the whole thing. I’m awake anyway. But so cold out there. I should definitely write the idea down at least. I always forget. Nah. I’ll totally remember. 

4:07 AM: Wait, what was that idea again? It’s just out of mental reach. Fuck. Why am I lying in this weird contorted position? No wonder I’m awake. I should lie in a way I actually sleep. (Rolls over.)

4:08 AM: Holy crap I’m so thirsty. Think I might die of thirst. No wonder I’m awake. (Takes sip of water from glass on bedside table without sitting up properly, dribbles everywhere. Flips pillow.)

4:15 AM: FUCK THIS! IT’S FUCKING FOUR FUCKING FIFTEEN IN THE FUCKING MORNING. THIS SUCKS THIS SUCKS THIS SUCKS. Why am I lying in this weird contorted position? No wonder I’m awake. I should lie in a way I actually sleep. (Rolls over.) 

4:20 AM: fucketyfuckfuckfuckfuckfucketyfuckfuck

4:22 AM: (Gets up to pee.)

4:25 AM: This is serious now. Sleep dammit!

4:26 AM: Look at that bastard over there sleeping. What the fuck is his problem. Jerk.

4:27 AM: (Rolls over.)

4:29 AM: (Rolls over.)

4:33 AM: (Rolls over.)

4:34 AM: (Rolls over.)

4:39 AM: (Rolls over.)

4:42 AM: (Rolls over.)

4:45 AM: (Rolls over.)

4:46 AM: (Hears thud from daughter’s room.) WHAT WAS THAT? I should probably go check on her. Oh, she’s fine. It’s cold out there. And I’m finally feeling sooo sleeeeeppppyyyy.

4:46-5:05 AM: Goes through several different scenarios in which daughter dies. (Cries while imagining the horror of discovering her.)

5:06 AM: Fuck this. I’m going to sleep.

5:09 AM: OMG HOW AM I GOING TO SURVIVE TOMORROW? I’ve had an hour’s sleep. I’m going to die. And it’s school vacation. And it’s rainy. SHIT! I’m going to actually murder the children tomorrow. I am the worst mother. Fuckety fuck fuck. Fuck insomnia. This sucks. 

5:20 AM: I’m so tired. So so tired. I think I might be able to finally…

6:02 AM: (Startles awake) What was that? Oh, I was actually sleeping. Wonderful, beautiful sleep. I think I might be able to just….

6:49 AM: (Startles awake as Tim gets up to shower) Sweet sleep…

7:00 AM: (Startles awake as Tim gets out of the shower)

“What time is it?” 
“Really? Good I got some sleep.”
“No, not really. It’s 7:00.”
“Shit. I had the worst night’s sleep ever.”
“Yeah, I know. You were really annoying.”
“Sorry. Well, the kids were up late. Hopefully they’ll sleep in.”

7:05 AM: (Bedroom door opens) “Is it morning, Mama?” Sigh. “Yes it is.”


WTF Tapas

S is all about things she can do when she’s bigger. “Me bigger, me eat gum.” “Me bigger, me go L’s school.” (Yes, she talks like Captain Caveman.) Turns out her fascination with getting bigger extends beyond herself:

“This bowl pink. When it bigger, it red.”


Before L’s birthday he requested a specific cake:

“I get to have a rock star cake and I can pick the kind! I want chocolate and vanilla, with a little bit of Swiss.”


L has a habit of hiding contraband in his pants. L also has a habit of not wearing pants. This means that all contraband is poorly hidden in his underpants. Latest thing he’s tried to hide in this manner? A baseball bat.


I would give my left arm for a fraction of the happy-to-start-the-day-cheer and energy L has. He’s still recovering from jet lag so I’ve been waking him up in order to get him to school on time. This morning I find him deeply asleep sprawled on his bed. I gently rub his back and whisper, “L, honey, it’s morning time.”

His eyes fly open. He grins widely and says, “Well, that was quick!” then leaps out of bed in one bound.

He just can’t be related to me, who wakes up grudgingly and grumpily, and everyone knows not to talk to me until I’ve had some coffee.


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We’re Ba-ack!

We’re home! We made it. A little worse for wear and without our luggage, but home nonetheless. How to write a post that encompasses the last 3 weeks? It’s impossible. So, here are some random things:

  • New Zealand is awesome. Getting there is not.
  • Right now in NZ the summer is waning into autumn, which means that we had perfectly perfect weather. The kind of weather where you can be outside all day in a t-shirt without being too hot or too cold. I can’t tell you the temperatures, because they’re in Celsius and therefore meaningless to me. It was warm enough for the beach, but not quite warm enough to swim, which did not stop the male members of my family from doing so.
  • We spent a lot of our time on the road visiting with old friends and family. New Zealand is breathtakingly beautiful and the kids couldn’t possibly give a smaller crap about the scenery. They can’t be bothered to look up from their Leapsters to take in the view, no matter that the view may be from a death-defying perch on a twisty narrow road overlooking the sea, sheep-dotted hills, and snow-capped mountains.
  • For us, driving in New Zealand is a 2-man job. 1 person actually operates the vehicle, and the other sits shotgun reminding the driver to stay on the left-hand side of the road.
  • On long haul flights children do not sleep. On short flights those same children fall into the soundest sleep possible and need to be roused upon landing. Of course, this sleep pattern is unexpected, no matter how many times it happens, so the children are not outfitted with the necessary pull-up on those short flights. Did S pee a full bladder’s worth on two separate occasions in her plane’s seat? Yes, yes she did.
  • Children will ask “are we there yet?” and “are we in the sky yet?” before the plane has taxied away from the terminal.
  • When asked what his favorite part of New Zealand was, L will say that it was playing on my iPad on the planes.
  • Thanks to my mother-in-law, T and I were able to spend more time alone together than we have in years.
  • Despite being told prior to our sea kayaking outing that we will either encounter a hundred dolphins or none, T and I saw one dolphin. Considering that dolphins are social creatures and generally are not found alone, we figured this dolphin is probably a real jackass.
  • Unlike their sleepy adult counterparts, when children experience jet lag, they want to be awake. They act like crazy amped-up maniacs and cry every 5-10 minutes from 11:30 PM to 3:30 AM. In related news, I experienced no small joy when I got to wake my sleeping cherubs up this morning. It was a lights on, blankets ripped off kind of experience for them.

So there you have it. I’m back online and happy to be here. I’m exhausted and in Xanax detox. I still don’t have my luggage.


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