The birds and bees before sunrise

“I have feet just like Daddy’s.”

“You do. But smaller.”

“It’s his genes.”

“His jeans? Hahahahahaha. You can’t wear Daddy’s jeans! Hahahahahahaha.”

“No, not those jeans. His genes. DNA. It’s what he’s made out of.”

“Oh, those genes. Because you’d look funny in Daddy’s pants.”

“But how did I get Daddy’s genes for big feet if I was made inside of Mommy?”

This conversation happened over my head as I “slept” this morning at 6:15. At this point, I had to get involved.

“You have half of Daddy’s genes and half of Mommy’s. You grew inside of Mommy’s body but it takes both a Mommy’s and a Daddy’s genes to make a baby. So you’re a mix of the two.”

There. That should cover it. We’ve talked about this stuff before, but we’ve never gotten to the actual mechanics of how the baby starts. They know how it ends, and Sally is already hoping for a c-section and Luke is very happy he’s a boy. Are we really going to have this conversation here and now. In the very bed where, well, the starting part happens?

“But what if the daddy wore a glove when he touched it? Then the baby would only have the mommy’s genes.”

“What?”

“You know, when he touches it. If he wore a glove, none of his DNA would come off.”

“What? What do you mean? Touches what?”

At this point Luke touches his finger to the pillow beside me, and says,

“See, I left some DNA on the pillow. But if I had a glove on I wouldn’t have.”

“Oh, I see. You’re right. You have DNA in all the cells in your body. So when you touch something you might leave some skin cells behind that have DNA in them. That’s not how babies get their daddy’s DNA, but it is how cops can solve crimes.”

Yes, let’s talk about crime scenes instead.

“So where do babies get their daddy’s  DNA?”

“From the daddy’s sperm. The sperm has the dad’s genes and the egg has the mommy’s. When the sperm and egg combine, they make a unique person who is a mix of the two parents.”

“Where does the sperm come from?”

And here we go. Answer only the question that is asked. Answer only the question that is asked…

“Men make sperm in their testicles.”

“So my testicles have sperm in them?”

“Not yet. You’ll start making sperm when you go through puberty. Around the same time your voice changes and you grow body hair.”

“When a girl shares a room with her brother, she has to move out when she’s about 12 because she gets hairy.”

“What? Um, well, a girl might go through puberty around 12, and I suppose if a sister and brother shared a bedroom they might want to be separated as they get older.”

“Who will look after Sally when I move out? I don’t want her to be alone.”

“You mean when you go to college? She’ll be big. 16.”

“Yes, but that’s when more serious things can happen and I won’t be here to look out for her.”

Well, this has taken a surprising turn. At this point, Sally buries her head and says,

“What if someone steals me?”

“No, Sally, no one will steal you! You’ll be 16. People can’t steal a 16 year old. Right, Mom?”

Um, potential abduction of my teenage daughter, or the birds and bees?

“We’ll be here to take care of Sally. Do you have any more questions about babies?”

“How does the sperm get out of the daddy and into the mommy?”

And there it is folks. The million dollar question I’ve been waiting for.

“It comes out through the man’s penis. A man and a woman have what’s called ‘sex.’ That’s when a man puts his penis into a woman’s vagina and then the sperm come out and meet up with the egg. That then grows into a baby, for 9 months inside the mommy.”

Well done, Allison! Just the facts, using real words, no embarrassment. Damn, you’re a great mom.

“What if it’s born after just 4 months?”

Gah! WTF, kids? I just told you about freaking sex and you just want to skip right through to miscarriages and dead babies?

“A baby needs to stay inside long enough to live. 4 months isn’t enough. It’s supposed to take 40 weeks. The longer the better but really it needs to be in there for a good 30 or more weeks to be born and survive without any big problems. So, any more questions?”

“Can we have pancakes?”

Pin me: Birds and bees

Amazing Summer Giveaway – for readers who like to laugh

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Picture yourself poolside, or lounging on the beach. It’s nice, right? But it could be better. What you need are some great books to make you laugh, and some seriously stylish summer accessories. Well, we have you covered.

First up, we’re giving away six (count ‘em, SIX) funny books that you probably already own because you have such great taste. But if, by chance, you’ve been busy reading the dictionary cover to cover or you tried to buy these and Amazon was all like, “Sorry, too slow, sucker. Sold out!” today’s your lucky day!

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At Least My Belly Hides My Cankles: Mostly-True Tales of an Impending Miracle is the debut novel of the amazing Paige Kellerman, of There’s More Where That Came From. In it, she props her cankles up on the coffee table of your heart and tells the tale of her pregnancy with twins, from the reluctant announcement of the pregnancy test results to the experience of being hoisted awkwardly (is there any other way?) onto the delivery table. You’ll be able to relate to every word, and Paige’s unique storytelling style will keep you laughing, guaranteed.

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Abby Still Has Issues is the second book by Abby Heugel of the award-winning blog, Abby Has Issues. It features a ton of laugh-out-loud essays that could only be plucked from that wonderfully neurotic head full of issues we all love so well. Laugh along as she admits to being smelly (it’s not what you think), converses with her pants, and reveals why other countries hate us (hint: it’s our eyelashes). Intrigued? YOU SHOULD BE. Because it’s full of awesome.

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I Just Want To Pee Alone, a hilarious collection of hilarious essays about motherhood by 37 hilarious mothers, covers every parenting topic from planning for your baby, to being driven insane by your children, to… wait, are there other parenting topics? Yes, don’t be silly, of course there are. There’s something for everyone in this #1 best selling humor anthology which, I don’t mind saying, at one point ranked ahead of Tina Fey’s Bossypants – a fact that many of the co-authors plan to have engraved on their tombstones.

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Ketchup is a Vegetable: And Other Lies Moms Tell Themselves by Robin O’Bryant of Robin’s Chicks is full of funny stories about motherhood, sex talks, the terror of car trips, and all those eye-roll inducing, forehead-vein popping, laugh-out-loud things that bond parents together under the flag of Oh Thank Heavens, It Isn’t Just Me.

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Also win a copy of Adrian Kulp’s hilarious book Dad or Alive: Confessions of an Unexpected Stay-at-Home Dad, which is based on his popular blog DadorAlive.com. With chapters like “She’s Gonna Have Daddy Issues” you know this book will be funny, relatable and just a little bit twisted (in the best possible way).

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And we understand that you’ll need to keep the kids occupied if you’re hoping to get enough time to yourself to read a book with more than eight syllables per page. That’s why we’re also giving away 75 Ways To Have More Fun At Home, a fantastic e-book by Anna of My Life and Kids that’s absolutely bursting with activities for your kids. These are cheap-to-free, unique, realistic ideas for things that real people could and would actually do. You don’t want another summer day to go by without it!

I can say, without fear of hyperbole, that you’re entire summer will be a complete waste of time if you don’t read these books – so in the event that you don’t win this amazing prize package, check out the links and buy your own copies. You’ll be glad you did.

Now, while you’re enjoying these fabulous books, you want to look fabulous too, don’t you? Never fear, we have that covered, too!

1011967_310069389129304_1602811006_nTo keep the hair out of your face while you’re reading (or while you’re serving up a wicked ace on the beach volleyball court), you’ll need headbands and hair ties from A Girl and Her Band. These suckers are nonslip, moisture wicking, antimicrobial and machine washable, not to mention cute as all getout. A Girl and Her Band is a company started by regular (but fantastic) mamas who support and empower active girls, and give back to the community by donating a portion of all website sales to a different charity each month. They’ve generously offered up three headbands of your choosing, and they’re throwing in a 5-pack of matching hair ties, too! Their company makes your heart feel as good as your hair will with this essential set of accessories.

As if that weren’t enough to make you look like a million bucks while you’re enjoying your summer reading, you’ll also get a Vera Bradley Summer Pack, which includes a Vera Bradley sarong, a small mesh tote, and a beach towel in the gorgeous Go Wild pattern.

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AND, just in case we missed anything, we’re throwing in a $125.00 Amazon gift card so you can treat yourself to something special (I don’t know if Amazon sells fruity drinks in coconuts with little umbrellas in bulk quantities, but I’d look into that if I were you).

ENOUGH ALREADY, you say! I’m interested, so how do I enter?!?

To qualify: You must be able to read, or know someone who is willing to read to you, and live in the United States.

Recommended: Tissues, for laughter-induced tear blotting. Large-rimmed Jackie O sunglasses for increased mysterious cool factor. A few seconds of free time here and there for reading.

Required: Do the little Rafflecopter thingy. Winner will be chosen at random and notified after the giveaway closes on Sunday, July 21. If there’s no response from the winner within 24 hours, another winner will be chosen and so on until I decide just to keep everything for myself. (I’m kidding, of course. OR AM I? Yes, I’m kidding.)

a Rafflecopter giveaway

No Strings Attached

Today was an exciting day in the WTF household. Actually, just for me. No one else really noticed anything even though I endured 5 hours of anxiety, fear, insanity, tumult, confusion, heartache, worry, and panic. Since I’m a mom, I went through all that mental and emotional anguish while still “functioning” in a “normal” manner and “taking care of” my kids. (All those quotes are for the 15 minutes I spent in the library with S where she ended up stuck hanging partially upside down from a rocking horse and needed rescuing. I was lost to Facebook and panic, so she was rescued by a mom nursing an infant. That mom handled a boob, a baby and my upside down crying daughter while I could only manage my iPhone.)

Anyway, those of you who do not hang on my every Facebook update (why don’t you?) must be wondering what this anguish was all about. Today I had my annual physical. During the pap smear my doctor said, “Huh, that’s weird. You have the Mirena right?” “Yup. No more babies over here!” “Well, I actually don’t see the strings. And I can’t feel anything. You didn’t notice it come out, did you?”

“Haha. Wait. What? Excuse me? For a moment I thought you implied that I might not actually be using any form of birth control at all. That’s just crazy. Because that would mean…….” <—insert panic here.

5 hours later I had an ultrasound appointment. During the intermittent 5 hours my mind went through a sort of warped temporary psychosis. It’s hard to describe, but my inner monologue was something like this:

(It would be more like the real thing if it were in all caps with no punctuation or spaces.) Oh my god oh my god. My IUD could have come out? When? What if it was 6 months ago? I could be several months pregnant. That’s crazy. Of course I’m not pregnant. What was that? That twinge? Was that my ovary? I’m having an ectopic pregnancy. I’m going to lose the baby. What baby? Stop being crazy. There is no baby. The strings are just inside your uterus for some reason, the IUD is totally still in place. I’d notice a piece of plastic falling out of my freaking vagina. Wouldn’t I? I’m hungry. Shit. I think I feel a little nauseated. I kind of want a pickle. No! How are they going to get this thing out with no strings? Dilation? This is going to hurt. Ugh. Why why why why? Can’t have more kids. I have two. I’m so done. I can’t even stand the kids I have, let alone another one! I’ve been drinking. A lot. I’m going to have a premature, brain-damaged unwanted baby. Baby socks are so cute. I don’t want another baby. Everyone knows I don’t want another baby. This child will grow up knowing he’s unwanted. I will love my brain-damaged premature unwanted baby. There is no baby. Don’t be a lunatic. You’d know if you were pregnant. I just gave away all my maternity clothes last week. Why did I do that? Why all of a sudden was that important? I can’t have another baby. I can’t have another baby. I can’t have another baby. How cute are babies? Seriously. No no no no no no no no no no. This CANNOT be happening. I’m so scared of SIDS. Allison, WTF are you thinking of SIDS for? There is no baby. We do not want a baby. Of course we’d have the baby. And we’d come around and be all joyful and shit. Yeah, I could be joyful. As soon as all this dread and panic clears up. OMG. I think my boobs hurt. Do they look bigger? I think they do. Shit. Stop freaking out. You are not pregnant. There is no freaking baby!

This went on constantly for 5 hours.

Finally, I’m on the table getting the ultrasound. Like the heartless monster I am, I immediately inform the tech that we are hoping for NO BABY in there, even though countless women on that table before me have suffered dashed hopes wanting nothing more than a baby. I’m nervous. More nervous than I was for my ultrasounds for my actual pregnancies. Then she says it, “One thing is for sure; you are not pregnant.” Relief. Huge huge huge relief. Whew! I can finally breathe. That was a close one! Yay! Wait, what’s that? What’s that annoying feeling in the corner of my mind? Is it, could it be? Is it disappointment?

Fuck. It is.

Go away, Stupid Feeling! I am not disappointed! I do not want another child. But, there was a moment there. I tiny seedling of possibility. There was an image of baby socks and baby noses and baby bums small enough to sit in your hand. Yeah, but there was also the sound of baby cries at 2AM, and 4AM and 5AM and all day long and the next night and forever more. There’s diapers and potty training and enduring another 3-year-old and being outnumbered and what if the kid is annoying? Dude, I said baby socks, for the win. (Yes, I might call myself Dude in my internal conversations.)

So, that’s the day I had. I am totally relieved and happy with the outcome. Still have no idea what to do with the stringless Mirena which is apparently still operational and in place. And the blog loses out because I don’t have a whole new, overwhelming and potentially hilarious issue which would provide endless blog fodder, but that’s OK. I am the only person inhabiting my body and that’s just how I want it. Whew!

(baby socks)