Today was an exciting day in the WTF household. Actually, just for me. No one else really noticed anything even though I endured 5 hours of anxiety, fear, insanity, tumult, confusion, heartache, worry, and panic. Since I’m a mom, I went through all that mental and emotional anguish while still “functioning” in a “normal” manner and “taking care of” my kids. (All those quotes are for the 15 minutes I spent in the library with S where she ended up stuck hanging partially upside down from a rocking horse and needed rescuing. I was lost to Facebook and panic, so she was rescued by a mom nursing an infant. That mom handled a boob, a baby and my upside down crying daughter while I could only manage my iPhone.)
Anyway, those of you who do not hang on my every Facebook update (why don’t you?) must be wondering what this anguish was all about. Today I had my annual physical. During the pap smear my doctor said, “Huh, that’s weird. You have the Mirena right?” “Yup. No more babies over here!” “Well, I actually don’t see the strings. And I can’t feel anything. You didn’t notice it come out, did you?”
“Haha. Wait. What? Excuse me? For a moment I thought you implied that I might not actually be using any form of birth control at all. That’s just crazy. Because that would mean…….” <—insert panic here.
5 hours later I had an ultrasound appointment. During the intermittent 5 hours my mind went through a sort of warped temporary psychosis. It’s hard to describe, but my inner monologue was something like this:
(It would be more like the real thing if it were in all caps with no punctuation or spaces.) Oh my god oh my god. My IUD could have come out? When? What if it was 6 months ago? I could be several months pregnant. That’s crazy. Of course I’m not pregnant. What was that? That twinge? Was that my ovary? I’m having an ectopic pregnancy. I’m going to lose the baby. What baby? Stop being crazy. There is no baby. The strings are just inside your uterus for some reason, the IUD is totally still in place. I’d notice a piece of plastic falling out of my freaking vagina. Wouldn’t I? I’m hungry. Shit. I think I feel a little nauseated. I kind of want a pickle. No! How are they going to get this thing out with no strings? Dilation? This is going to hurt. Ugh. Why why why why? Can’t have more kids. I have two. I’m so done. I can’t even stand the kids I have, let alone another one! I’ve been drinking. A lot. I’m going to have a premature, brain-damaged unwanted baby. Baby socks are so cute. I don’t want another baby. Everyone knows I don’t want another baby. This child will grow up knowing he’s unwanted. I will love my brain-damaged premature unwanted baby. There is no baby. Don’t be a lunatic. You’d know if you were pregnant. I just gave away all my maternity clothes last week. Why did I do that? Why all of a sudden was that important? I can’t have another baby. I can’t have another baby. I can’t have another baby. How cute are babies? Seriously. No no no no no no no no no no. This CANNOT be happening. I’m so scared of SIDS. Allison, WTF are you thinking of SIDS for? There is no baby. We do not want a baby. Of course we’d have the baby. And we’d come around and be all joyful and shit. Yeah, I could be joyful. As soon as all this dread and panic clears up. OMG. I think my boobs hurt. Do they look bigger? I think they do. Shit. Stop freaking out. You are not pregnant. There is no freaking baby!
This went on constantly for 5 hours.
Finally, I’m on the table getting the ultrasound. Like the heartless monster I am, I immediately inform the tech that we are hoping for NO BABY in there, even though countless women on that table before me have suffered dashed hopes wanting nothing more than a baby. I’m nervous. More nervous than I was for my ultrasounds for my actual pregnancies. Then she says it, “One thing is for sure; you are not pregnant.” Relief. Huge huge huge relief. Whew! I can finally breathe. That was a close one! Yay! Wait, what’s that? What’s that annoying feeling in the corner of my mind? Is it, could it be? Is it disappointment?
Fuck. It is.
Go away, Stupid Feeling! I am not disappointed! I do not want another child. But, there was a moment there. I tiny seedling of possibility. There was an image of baby socks and baby noses and baby bums small enough to sit in your hand. Yeah, but there was also the sound of baby cries at 2AM, and 4AM and 5AM and all day long and the next night and forever more. There’s diapers and potty training and enduring another 3-year-old and being outnumbered and what if the kid is annoying? Dude, I said baby socks, for the win. (Yes, I might call myself Dude in my internal conversations.)
So, that’s the day I had. I am totally relieved and happy with the outcome. Still have no idea what to do with the stringless Mirena which is apparently still operational and in place. And the blog loses out because I don’t have a whole new, overwhelming and potentially hilarious issue which would provide endless blog fodder, but that’s OK. I am the only person inhabiting my body and that’s just how I want it. Whew!