Amazing Summer Giveaway – for readers who like to laugh

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Picture yourself poolside, or lounging on the beach. It’s nice, right? But it could be better. What you need are some great books to make you laugh, and some seriously stylish summer accessories. Well, we have you covered.

First up, we’re giving away six (count ‘em, SIX) funny books that you probably already own because you have such great taste. But if, by chance, you’ve been busy reading the dictionary cover to cover or you tried to buy these and Amazon was all like, “Sorry, too slow, sucker. Sold out!” today’s your lucky day!

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At Least My Belly Hides My Cankles: Mostly-True Tales of an Impending Miracle is the debut novel of the amazing Paige Kellerman, of There’s More Where That Came From. In it, she props her cankles up on the coffee table of your heart and tells the tale of her pregnancy with twins, from the reluctant announcement of the pregnancy test results to the experience of being hoisted awkwardly (is there any other way?) onto the delivery table. You’ll be able to relate to every word, and Paige’s unique storytelling style will keep you laughing, guaranteed.

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Abby Still Has Issues is the second book by Abby Heugel of the award-winning blog, Abby Has Issues. It features a ton of laugh-out-loud essays that could only be plucked from that wonderfully neurotic head full of issues we all love so well. Laugh along as she admits to being smelly (it’s not what you think), converses with her pants, and reveals why other countries hate us (hint: it’s our eyelashes). Intrigued? YOU SHOULD BE. Because it’s full of awesome.

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I Just Want To Pee Alone, a hilarious collection of hilarious essays about motherhood by 37 hilarious mothers, covers every parenting topic from planning for your baby, to being driven insane by your children, to… wait, are there other parenting topics? Yes, don’t be silly, of course there are. There’s something for everyone in this #1 best selling humor anthology which, I don’t mind saying, at one point ranked ahead of Tina Fey’s Bossypants – a fact that many of the co-authors plan to have engraved on their tombstones.

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Ketchup is a Vegetable: And Other Lies Moms Tell Themselves by Robin O’Bryant of Robin’s Chicks is full of funny stories about motherhood, sex talks, the terror of car trips, and all those eye-roll inducing, forehead-vein popping, laugh-out-loud things that bond parents together under the flag of Oh Thank Heavens, It Isn’t Just Me.

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Also win a copy of Adrian Kulp’s hilarious book Dad or Alive: Confessions of an Unexpected Stay-at-Home Dad, which is based on his popular blog DadorAlive.com. With chapters like “She’s Gonna Have Daddy Issues” you know this book will be funny, relatable and just a little bit twisted (in the best possible way).

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And we understand that you’ll need to keep the kids occupied if you’re hoping to get enough time to yourself to read a book with more than eight syllables per page. That’s why we’re also giving away 75 Ways To Have More Fun At Home, a fantastic e-book by Anna of My Life and Kids that’s absolutely bursting with activities for your kids. These are cheap-to-free, unique, realistic ideas for things that real people could and would actually do. You don’t want another summer day to go by without it!

I can say, without fear of hyperbole, that you’re entire summer will be a complete waste of time if you don’t read these books – so in the event that you don’t win this amazing prize package, check out the links and buy your own copies. You’ll be glad you did.

Now, while you’re enjoying these fabulous books, you want to look fabulous too, don’t you? Never fear, we have that covered, too!

1011967_310069389129304_1602811006_nTo keep the hair out of your face while you’re reading (or while you’re serving up a wicked ace on the beach volleyball court), you’ll need headbands and hair ties from A Girl and Her Band. These suckers are nonslip, moisture wicking, antimicrobial and machine washable, not to mention cute as all getout. A Girl and Her Band is a company started by regular (but fantastic) mamas who support and empower active girls, and give back to the community by donating a portion of all website sales to a different charity each month. They’ve generously offered up three headbands of your choosing, and they’re throwing in a 5-pack of matching hair ties, too! Their company makes your heart feel as good as your hair will with this essential set of accessories.

As if that weren’t enough to make you look like a million bucks while you’re enjoying your summer reading, you’ll also get a Vera Bradley Summer Pack, which includes a Vera Bradley sarong, a small mesh tote, and a beach towel in the gorgeous Go Wild pattern.

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AND, just in case we missed anything, we’re throwing in a $125.00 Amazon gift card so you can treat yourself to something special (I don’t know if Amazon sells fruity drinks in coconuts with little umbrellas in bulk quantities, but I’d look into that if I were you).

ENOUGH ALREADY, you say! I’m interested, so how do I enter?!?

To qualify: You must be able to read, or know someone who is willing to read to you, and live in the United States.

Recommended: Tissues, for laughter-induced tear blotting. Large-rimmed Jackie O sunglasses for increased mysterious cool factor. A few seconds of free time here and there for reading.

Required: Do the little Rafflecopter thingy. Winner will be chosen at random and notified after the giveaway closes on Sunday, July 21. If there’s no response from the winner within 24 hours, another winner will be chosen and so on until I decide just to keep everything for myself. (I’m kidding, of course. OR AM I? Yes, I’m kidding.)

a Rafflecopter giveaway

No Strings Attached

Today was an exciting day in the WTF household. Actually, just for me. No one else really noticed anything even though I endured 5 hours of anxiety, fear, insanity, tumult, confusion, heartache, worry, and panic. Since I’m a mom, I went through all that mental and emotional anguish while still “functioning” in a “normal” manner and “taking care of” my kids. (All those quotes are for the 15 minutes I spent in the library with S where she ended up stuck hanging partially upside down from a rocking horse and needed rescuing. I was lost to Facebook and panic, so she was rescued by a mom nursing an infant. That mom handled a boob, a baby and my upside down crying daughter while I could only manage my iPhone.)

Anyway, those of you who do not hang on my every Facebook update (why don’t you?) must be wondering what this anguish was all about. Today I had my annual physical. During the pap smear my doctor said, “Huh, that’s weird. You have the Mirena right?” “Yup. No more babies over here!” “Well, I actually don’t see the strings. And I can’t feel anything. You didn’t notice it come out, did you?”

“Haha. Wait. What? Excuse me? For a moment I thought you implied that I might not actually be using any form of birth control at all. That’s just crazy. Because that would mean…….” <—insert panic here.

5 hours later I had an ultrasound appointment. During the intermittent 5 hours my mind went through a sort of warped temporary psychosis. It’s hard to describe, but my inner monologue was something like this:

(It would be more like the real thing if it were in all caps with no punctuation or spaces.) Oh my god oh my god. My IUD could have come out? When? What if it was 6 months ago? I could be several months pregnant. That’s crazy. Of course I’m not pregnant. What was that? That twinge? Was that my ovary? I’m having an ectopic pregnancy. I’m going to lose the baby. What baby? Stop being crazy. There is no baby. The strings are just inside your uterus for some reason, the IUD is totally still in place. I’d notice a piece of plastic falling out of my freaking vagina. Wouldn’t I? I’m hungry. Shit. I think I feel a little nauseated. I kind of want a pickle. No! How are they going to get this thing out with no strings? Dilation? This is going to hurt. Ugh. Why why why why? Can’t have more kids. I have two. I’m so done. I can’t even stand the kids I have, let alone another one! I’ve been drinking. A lot. I’m going to have a premature, brain-damaged unwanted baby. Baby socks are so cute. I don’t want another baby. Everyone knows I don’t want another baby. This child will grow up knowing he’s unwanted. I will love my brain-damaged premature unwanted baby. There is no baby. Don’t be a lunatic. You’d know if you were pregnant. I just gave away all my maternity clothes last week. Why did I do that? Why all of a sudden was that important? I can’t have another baby. I can’t have another baby. I can’t have another baby. How cute are babies? Seriously. No no no no no no no no no no. This CANNOT be happening. I’m so scared of SIDS. Allison, WTF are you thinking of SIDS for? There is no baby. We do not want a baby. Of course we’d have the baby. And we’d come around and be all joyful and shit. Yeah, I could be joyful. As soon as all this dread and panic clears up. OMG. I think my boobs hurt. Do they look bigger? I think they do. Shit. Stop freaking out. You are not pregnant. There is no freaking baby!

This went on constantly for 5 hours.

Finally, I’m on the table getting the ultrasound. Like the heartless monster I am, I immediately inform the tech that we are hoping for NO BABY in there, even though countless women on that table before me have suffered dashed hopes wanting nothing more than a baby. I’m nervous. More nervous than I was for my ultrasounds for my actual pregnancies. Then she says it, “One thing is for sure; you are not pregnant.” Relief. Huge huge huge relief. Whew! I can finally breathe. That was a close one! Yay! Wait, what’s that? What’s that annoying feeling in the corner of my mind? Is it, could it be? Is it disappointment?

Fuck. It is.

Go away, Stupid Feeling! I am not disappointed! I do not want another child. But, there was a moment there. I tiny seedling of possibility. There was an image of baby socks and baby noses and baby bums small enough to sit in your hand. Yeah, but there was also the sound of baby cries at 2AM, and 4AM and 5AM and all day long and the next night and forever more. There’s diapers and potty training and enduring another 3-year-old and being outnumbered and what if the kid is annoying? Dude, I said baby socks, for the win. (Yes, I might call myself Dude in my internal conversations.)

So, that’s the day I had. I am totally relieved and happy with the outcome. Still have no idea what to do with the stringless Mirena which is apparently still operational and in place. And the blog loses out because I don’t have a whole new, overwhelming and potentially hilarious issue which would provide endless blog fodder, but that’s OK. I am the only person inhabiting my body and that’s just how I want it. Whew!

(baby socks)

 

We All Start Out Crazy (Don’t We?)

Did you know that new moms today can get a digital timer to remind them to feed the baby? Is it just me, or is this the most ridiculous item ever put in front of pregnant women? These poor women are distraught, tired and distracted by their own swollen feet, so they’re vulnerable to absurd and manipulative marketing. Your baby will die if you forget to feed it. Better put that timer on the registry!

In case you have the kind of baby who doesn’t cry when hungry, or smell when poopy.

People! You do not need a timer to remind you to feed your baby. Your baby will remind you. Your baby is programmed to do just that. Basically, it is the only thing your baby can do for a long, long time.

Anyway, as I was smugly making fun of this timer, I suddenly remembered an episode from my own crazy first-time-mom past. I somehow blocked this out, preferring to remember a fictional history of myself as a non-panic-stricken individual who did not go over the top with her first baby. But I did. Boy, did I ever.

When I was pregnant with Luke, Tim and I wanted to take a baby first aid and CPR class. Not unreasonable, right? Well, we were both full-time students with no money or time to spare for such courses. No worries, because I found the perfect solution! A way we could become baby saving experts on our own time for even less money than a course! I found this:

Maybe the scariest thing I’ve ever received in a box in the mail.

That’s right. I got my very own plastic baby. (This was a few years ago and ours looked a lot less like a blow up doll and a lot more like a dead baby. A totally freaky thing to live with.) What a great thing to have! We could always freshen up our skills. Just pop in the DVD, inflate the baby and compress to our hearts’ content!

If you think this is where the crazy ends, wait, there’s more.

Then I had my precious baby. He actually did choke once and I had to quickly turn him upside down and pound on his back until he vomited his body weight on the rug. Thanks plastic baby for the practice! (You might have mentioned the vomit and suggested doing it over tile or hard wood.)

Fast forward about 8 months when I’m ready to leave baby Luke with a babysitter – a random girl (who I grew to love) I found on a university job board. This made me nervous. These days I’ll leave my kids with anyone willing to take them, but this first time I was so anxious about it! Guess what I made her do?

Yup. I made her come about 1/2 an hour before I was scheduled to leave so she could watch the video and practice on the dummy baby. And she did it graciously, as if it was a perfectly normal and not at all neurotic request, and she didn’t tell me I was a crazy lunatic. God, I love that girl.

I completely forgot all of this, like I said, and was so embarrassed for myself when I remembered. So, if any of you were ever under the impression that I’m at all cool, I give you this story as incontrovertible evidence to the contrary. *Takes bow.*