Originally posted 3/21/2014
I’ve been thinking about weddings and marriage a lot lately, in part because tomorrow is my eleventh anniversary! It’s hard to believe that eleven years have passed since that day in that lovely dress when I enacted what is easily the best decision I ever made.
Is marriage everything I thought it would be? No. It’s almost nothing I thought it would be.
I remember planning the event, consumed with all of the wedding details. They felt so very important. Whenever I approached Tim stressed over choices of things like tablecloths, he said, “The wedding is just one day. The marriage is forever.” Naturally, this pissed me off. “You aren’t helping! I know that the marriage is important and blah blah blah, but do you like the medium-red, the dark-red, or the medium-dark-red roses better?!”
Like many grooms, Tim did not take part in so many of the planning details, and he’s probably quite unaware of how many details our wedding entailed. Does he know that I had to decide on little things like the various sundries for the baskets I placed in the bathrooms? (Does he know there were baskets of sundries in the bathrooms?) Does he know that I picked the chairs? Does he know that I labored over fonts, paper and the type of printing we used? Now when I think of how much money we spent on items like our invitations it makes me a little sick. At the time, setting the tone felt important.
If I could go back, I’d do so many things differently.
But not everything.
I’d still marry Tim. I’d marry him over and over again regardless of what freaking paper we used to invite our guests. I’d marry him with different flowers, the cheaper chairs, and the other tablecloths. I’d even marry him with without the band and the passed hors d’oeuvres. And if I had to, I’d marry him without the fancy dress or open bar. (Thankfully, I don’t have to.)
Our wedding lasted a few (fabulous) hours. Our marriage has been every day since. It’s been great days and stressful days. It’s been sickness (man colds) and health. It’s been joyful moments and moments when everything felt wrong. It’s been a million and one different moments but one thing has never changed: Tim has been by my side and I his.
Our future stretching before us is unknown and uncertain. As much as we like to think we’re in control, we really have little power over what is going to happen to us in the days and years to come. Tragedy or dumb luck can strike at any time. One thing I can control is my half of my marriage. Each day I choose my words and actions, how to be a wife and partner. I don’t always choose wisely. Luckily, Tim chose to marry an imperfect creature so he knew what he was getting into. Imperfections notwithstanding, each day I choose Tim. Again and again.
Eleven years later I can’t remember which tablecloth I ended up with and I couldn’t name my flowers if my life depended on it. I’m certain that my wedding guests can’t remember what they ate or what my invitations looked like. And none of that matters. My husband was right.* The wedding is just one day. The marriage is forever.
*I will neither confirm nor deny if he’s been right about anything else since.