I am not a housewife

I’m a stay at home mom. If you’re like me, then the term “housewife” makes you bristle. I’m not married to my house. (Like I’d marry that mess!) The word “housewife” conjures up stereotypes of a woman at home in her housecoat, curlers in her hair, popping Valium, smoking, and shushing her brood of children so she can watch her stories.

I’m nothing like that!

I don’t own a housecoat. I spend my days home in my yoga pants thankyouverymuch. Totally different. Housecoat lady used to change and do herself up just before her husband came home. I don’t. I don’t have to. Yoga pants are nice.

Curlers? Puh-leaze! My hair is naturally curly. When it’s clean.

And Valium? Who does that? Half a Xanax here and there (totally different) just ensures that the kids have some memories of me other than my mean face. And that glass of wine is good for my health. (So what if I have big glasses? They were wedding gifts. Can’t be helped.)

I don’t smoke. Do I fantasize about 15 minute breaks outside all throughout the day? Uh, nope. Smoking is bad.

And I definitely don’t watch soaps. I could never waste my time on such tripe. Why would I when I have Grey’s Anatomy and Parenthood on my DVR?

So, before you call a modern mother a housewife, take a minute to remember how much we’ve evolved as a breed.

Signs I’m a Bad Housewife

I’ve always thought the term “housewife” was a strange one. After all, I’m not married to my house. And it’s a good thing too because if I was then I’d be in a shitty marriage. Thankfully, T is laid back about these things and agrees that my main job is to keep the children alive on a daily basis.

After spending a good 20 minutes searching for, and failing to find, a common kitchen tool this evening, I realized that this was a sign that I’m a bad housewife. Naturally, I had to make a top 5 list. It was embarrassingly easy to come up with these.

Top 5 Signs That I’m a Bad Housewife

5. I am currently resting my arms on a pile of random papers and debris on my desk as I type this.

4. When I do clean my house, my 4-year-old not only notices, but goes on and on and on about how wonderful it looks and what a great job I did.

3. When I opened the hall storage closet while a friend was over, she said, “I feel like I’m seeing stuff that I’m not supposed to see.”

2. If you drop by unannounced, I will talk with you on the porch and not invite you in. Unless I just hide behind the sofa and pretend I’m not home.

1. I could not find the can opener this evening, making it impossible to make what I had planned for dinner. I will probably need to buy a new one before the old one ever shows up.

I could easily make this a top 10, 20, 50 list. I am living proof that a SAHM does not necessarily have to be an organized, neat, tidy person. When you come to my house and it’s clean, know that I’m pretending that I live that way.
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