I may complain a bit, but I know that life is good. After all, I have so much ahead of me to look forward to. You’re thinking,“Allison is about to get all sentimental!” Fear not. The things I’m looking forward to are hardly Hallmark moments. Sure there will be graduations, weddings, births, and other happy occasions down the road that I anticipate with normal motherly affections; but I’m talking about the stuff I’m waiting for while evilly rubbing my hands together and laughing. Bwahaha!
- My children, who constantly humiliate me in public, will one day be extremely self-conscious junior high and high school students. I think this will coincide with my Rock-Through-the-Ages fashion phase. Sequined, white, deep-v leisure suit? Yes please! Oh, it will be so good.
- My children will one day bring home girlfriends and boyfriends. These people will love stories about Sally’s poop art sensibilities and Luke’s desire for a training bra.
- One day, I’ll be charged with giving a speech for my kids at some important event full of gravitas. So much material to choose from! Don’t worry, I won’t forget a thing. I have a blog preserving every last memory.
- My children will one day have children of their own. Can you say KARMA? “I’m sorry, I’d love to watch your 3-year-old twins, but we just finally got our first nice couch and I don’t want your wild little fuckers anywhere near it.” I will (sort of) try not to laugh when they call me in despair because their children are horrible.
- My children will one day have to take care of me. I’ll stay in their homes and pee on their sofas. I’ll have night terrors. I’ll ask them to fetch me things the second they sit down. I’ll need to be driven everywhere.*
I am positively relishing the thought of exacting my retribution. Is that wrong?
*You’re thinking, “But, Allison, if you are so horrible they won’t want to take care of you!” Don’t worry, I’ve got that covered. I plan on lying to my children about a fortune I have socked away somewhere that will be theirs the moment I die. Even better, I’ll promise it to my favorite, which will change like the weather. “Can you help me call my estate lawyer? I need to update my will.”