The 12 Days of Christmas Mom


Here’s my ultimate wish list from my true loves three*:

On the first day of Christmas

my true loves gave to me

a housekeeper who arrives each day at three.

 

On the second day of Christmas

my true loves gave to me

two kids I’m proud of

and a housekeeper who arrives each day at three.

 

On the third day of Christmas

my true loves gave to me

three French wines

two kids I’m proud of

and a housekeeper who arrives each day at three.

 

On the fourth day of Christmas

my true loves gave to me

four Colin Firths**

three French wines

two kids I’m proud of

and a housekeeper who arrives each day at three.

colin firth

On the fifth day of Christmas

my true loves gave to me

five golden rings***

four Colin Firths

three French wines

two kids I’m proud of

and a housekeeper who arrives each day at three.

 

On the sixth day of Christmas

my true loves gave to me

six hours o’peaceful playing

five golden rings

four Colin Firths

three French wines

two kids I’m proud of

and a housekeeper who arrives each day at three.

 

On the seventh day of Christmas

my true loves gave to me

seven coffees brimming

six hours o’peaceful playing

five golden rings

four Colin Firths

three French wines

two kids I’m proud of

and a housekeeper who arrives each day at three.

 

On the eighth day of Christmas

my true loves gave to me

eight maids a dusting

seven coffees brimming

six hours o’peaceful playing

five golden rings

four Colin Firths

three French wines

two kids I’m proud of

and a housekeeper who arrives each day at three.

 

On the ninth day of Christmas

my true loves gave to me

nine nights romancing

eight maids a dusting

seven coffees brimming

six hours o’peaceful playing

five golden rings

four Colin Firths

three French wines

two kids I’m proud of

and a housekeeper who arrives each day at three.

 

On the tenth day of Christmas

my true loves gave to me

ten hours o’sleeping

nine nights romancing

eight maids a dusting

seven coffees brimming

six hours o’peaceful playing

five golden rings

four Colin Firths

three French wines

two kids I’m proud of

and a housekeeper who arrives each day at three.

 

On the eleventh day of Christmas

my true loves gave to me

eleven days no griping

ten hours o’sleeping

nine nights romancing

eight maids a dusting

seven coffees brimming

six hours o’peaceful playing

five golden rings

four Colin Firths

three French wines

two kids I’m proud of

and a housekeeper who arrives each day at three.

 

On the twelfth day of Christmas

my true loves gave to me

twelve blog posts cunning

eleven days no griping

ten hours o’sleeping

nine nights romancing

eight maids a dusting

seven coffees brimming

six hours o’peaceful playing

five golden rings

four Colin Firths

three French wines

two kids I’m proud of

and a housekeeper who arrives each day at three.

 

* My husband and my kids. Nothing scandalous.

** What? I want four of him.

*** The original got this one right.


Originally published December 2012. 

Trick-or-treat, except no tricks please because my kids are stupid

My kids are still working on becoming funny. At least I hope they’re working on it, and that where they sit right now on the funny spectrum is not where they’ll remain. Funny is important to me. The fact that it’s lost on my children leaves them not getting 62% of what comes out of my mouth. Since the remaining 38% is made up of directives they’re ignoring, we have a major communication problem over here.

When my then 5-year-old son shouted back to me from the door of a stranger’s house on Halloween night, “Mom, she doesn’t have any chocolate, is it OK if I pick something else?” I realized that my kids are too earnest for my tastes.

See, I (jokingly (totally not jokingly)) told my son to make sure he gets lots of chocolate. The for me was implied. He did not pick up on the implication. He took it as a rule or mission of Halloween. He took it as advice from his mother who looks out for him and knows more about Halloween and the world at large than he does.

And nothing I said for the rest of the night could change his mind.

“Honey, I was just joking. Get whatever candy you like,” I said.

“But you said to get as much chocolate as I can. I’ll get chocolate,” he said.

“You are evil. You better blog about this,” husband said.

Every house was the same. My kid shouted back to me, “This one has more than one kind of chocolate, does it matter which I get?” and “This one has chocolate and Skittles. I really like Skittles. Is it OK if I pick the Skittles?” Once he even said to the kind stranger holding the candy bowl, “My mom wants me to get chocolate. Do you have any chocolate, maybe in your pantry?”

He had no idea that I was planning on stealing any candy from him. It would never occur to him that I’d want candy or play such a trick.

I seem to never learn the lesson that my kids don’t pick up on subtlety, irony, sarcasm, and jokes meant for the adults in the room. I made my daughter cry once when she saw me handing out ice cream sandwiches to her brother and to each of the 3 neighbor’s kids and asked “Can I have one too?” I said, “No. I’m giving ice cream sandwiches to all the other children but I’m going to give you onions for dessert.” Even though I assured her I was joking and quickly handed over the ice cream, she cried again a few days later when she asked for dessert and I said, “Onions for dessert!” Kid cannot take a joke.

While other parents anxiously await their children to achieve milestones like tying shoes and learning to read, I’m waiting with baited breath for my kids to grasp sarcasm, trickery, and actually funny jokes.

trick or treat

Nerdy Mom

Do you remember hating the SATs? Well, I liked them. I’m a nerd, you see. I liked them and I was good at them. I may not be the most graceful, tactful, or coordinated person you’ll meet; I may not be able to pull off the latest fashion trends; I might never remember when it’s crazy sock day; but I can take a standardized test like a boss.

This skill is useless. No matter how enviable it may have seemed in 11th grade, I assure you that it has little application in my current life, and I’d be better off remembering crazy sock day.

But, alas, we can’t choose our talents.

I loved those analogies you hated so much from the verbal section:

Analogy

And of course I adored the logic problems that you so despised:

Logic Questions

The upside to my nerdy proclivities, (not upside really, more like side-side as this is not in any way a benefit to anyone,) is that I sometimes think in terms of SAT formatted questions. Lately I’ve been seeing opportunities for SAT-style questions all over my parenting.

Nerdy Mom Analogies

And now for some of that wonderful logic:

Nerdy Mom Logic

If you need me, I’ll be geeking out and cracking myself up in the nerdiest way possible.