Nerdy Mom

Do you remember hating the SATs? Well, I liked them. I’m a nerd, you see. I liked them and I was good at them. I may not be the most graceful, tactful, or coordinated person you’ll meet; I may not be able to pull off the latest fashion trends; I might never remember when it’s crazy sock day; but I can take a standardized test like a boss.

This skill is useless. No matter how enviable it may have seemed in 11th grade, I assure you that it has little application in my current life, and I’d be better off remembering crazy sock day.

But, alas, we can’t choose our talents.

I loved those analogies you hated so much from the verbal section:

Analogy

And of course I adored the logic problems that you so despised:

Logic Questions

The upside to my nerdy proclivities, (not upside really, more like side-side as this is not in any way a benefit to anyone,) is that I sometimes think in terms of SAT formatted questions. Lately I’ve been seeing opportunities for SAT-style questions all over my parenting.

Nerdy Mom Analogies

And now for some of that wonderful logic:

Nerdy Mom Logic

If you need me, I’ll be geeking out and cracking myself up in the nerdiest way possible.

 

The birds and bees before sunrise

“I have feet just like Daddy’s.”

“You do. But smaller.”

“It’s his genes.”

“His jeans? Hahahahahaha. You can’t wear Daddy’s jeans! Hahahahahahaha.”

“No, not those jeans. His genes. DNA. It’s what he’s made out of.”

“Oh, those genes. Because you’d look funny in Daddy’s pants.”

“But how did I get Daddy’s genes for big feet if I was made inside of Mommy?”

This conversation happened over my head as I “slept” this morning at 6:15. At this point, I had to get involved.

“You have half of Daddy’s genes and half of Mommy’s. You grew inside of Mommy’s body but it takes both a Mommy’s and a Daddy’s genes to make a baby. So you’re a mix of the two.”

There. That should cover it. We’ve talked about this stuff before, but we’ve never gotten to the actual mechanics of how the baby starts. They know how it ends, and Sally is already hoping for a c-section and Luke is very happy he’s a boy. Are we really going to have this conversation here and now. In the very bed where, well, the starting part happens?

“But what if the daddy wore a glove when he touched it? Then the baby would only have the mommy’s genes.”

“What?”

“You know, when he touches it. If he wore a glove, none of his DNA would come off.”

“What? What do you mean? Touches what?”

At this point Luke touches his finger to the pillow beside me, and says,

“See, I left some DNA on the pillow. But if I had a glove on I wouldn’t have.”

“Oh, I see. You’re right. You have DNA in all the cells in your body. So when you touch something you might leave some skin cells behind that have DNA in them. That’s not how babies get their daddy’s DNA, but it is how cops can solve crimes.”

Yes, let’s talk about crime scenes instead.

“So where do babies get their daddy’s  DNA?”

“From the daddy’s sperm. The sperm has the dad’s genes and the egg has the mommy’s. When the sperm and egg combine, they make a unique person who is a mix of the two parents.”

“Where does the sperm come from?”

And here we go. Answer only the question that is asked. Answer only the question that is asked…

“Men make sperm in their testicles.”

“So my testicles have sperm in them?”

“Not yet. You’ll start making sperm when you go through puberty. Around the same time your voice changes and you grow body hair.”

“When a girl shares a room with her brother, she has to move out when she’s about 12 because she gets hairy.”

“What? Um, well, a girl might go through puberty around 12, and I suppose if a sister and brother shared a bedroom they might want to be separated as they get older.”

“Who will look after Sally when I move out? I don’t want her to be alone.”

“You mean when you go to college? She’ll be big. 16.”

“Yes, but that’s when more serious things can happen and I won’t be here to look out for her.”

Well, this has taken a surprising turn. At this point, Sally buries her head and says,

“What if someone steals me?”

“No, Sally, no one will steal you! You’ll be 16. People can’t steal a 16 year old. Right, Mom?”

Um, potential abduction of my teenage daughter, or the birds and bees?

“We’ll be here to take care of Sally. Do you have any more questions about babies?”

“How does the sperm get out of the daddy and into the mommy?”

And there it is folks. The million dollar question I’ve been waiting for.

“It comes out through the man’s penis. A man and a woman have what’s called ‘sex.’ That’s when a man puts his penis into a woman’s vagina and then the sperm come out and meet up with the egg. That then grows into a baby, for 9 months inside the mommy.”

Well done, Allison! Just the facts, using real words, no embarrassment. Damn, you’re a great mom.

“What if it’s born after just 4 months?”

Gah! WTF, kids? I just told you about freaking sex and you just want to skip right through to miscarriages and dead babies?

“A baby needs to stay inside long enough to live. 4 months isn’t enough. It’s supposed to take 40 weeks. The longer the better but really it needs to be in there for a good 30 or more weeks to be born and survive without any big problems. So, any more questions?”

“Can we have pancakes?”

Pin me: Birds and bees

If I had a dime…

We could all use a little extra money, right? It’s so easy to spend a bit here and a bit there, and before long, those bits really add up! I’ve decided it’s time for a new savings plan. Just something simple for a little extra cash. But what should my new savings plan look like?

I considered a few options:

1) A swear jar.

  • Pros:
    • It would add up quickly.
  • Cons:
    • It would add up so quickly I’d go broke.
    • If I start calling out others on their language, they’ll start calling me out on mine. And I’ll fucking hate that.

2) Go vegetarian a few nights per week.

  • Pros:
    • Buying less meat would save money and help the environment!
    • We’d increase our intake of veggies and teach our children valuable lessons along the way.
  • Cons:
    • The only vegetarian meals my family find satisfying and delicious involve hearty portions of pasta and cheese. They get full; I get fat.
    • Any other vegetarian meals lead all members of my family to eat multiple post-dinner bowls of cereal. This ends up more expensive than meat and creates more dirty dishes, which sucks for me and the environment.

3) If I had a dime… How many times do you think “If I had a dime for every time…” I think it a lot. What if I actually got a dime every time? Ding! Ding! We have a winner!

  • Pros:
    • I’m getting free dimes from the universe!
  • Cons:
    • N/A

Practical Applications:

1) When you buy a pair of shoes do you ask the retailer how much money she’s going to make on the transaction? How about your kids’ teachers? Do you ask them how much they stand to gain from your children’s educations? No? I don’t either. Nor do I ask my doctor, UPS guy, or pharmacist. I imagine no one does. For some reason, however, upon hearing the words “blogger” or “writer” people immediately ask about income. “You’re a writer? Do you get paid for that?” “How much money do you make from your books?” “How much do you get paid to write on XYZ website?”

Writer Income

This isn’t limited to bloggers or self-published writers. I have friends with books published through traditional publishing houses and they’re constantly asked about how much money they make, if they get paid for speaking engagements, etc. Maybe this is something that happens in all creative fields. While I won’t answer the question, I’ll tell you this: there’s a reason no one’s Get Rich Quick Scheme looks like this:

Get Rich Quck

2) Not only am I a writer, but I’m also a mother. So my work happens in the same place as my family responsibilities. Now that both my kids are in school it seems that I have a ton of “free time.” I’d like to have a dime for every time I’m asked, “What are you going to do with all your free time?” That way, I won’t have to actually write every day or ever publish anything again. If anyone asks what I do all day I’ll just direct them to my giant piles of dimes.

The truth is that I’m not yet entirely sure what my life will look like with two school-aged kids and I’m trying to figure that out. I feel pressured to have a meaningful answer, some excuse or reason why I’m still valuable. When I’m asked what I’ll do with my free time, the implication is that writing or taking care of my household have no value or don’t count. A dime for each time I’m asked would certainly help to take the sting out of it.

3) I’m going to go ahead and ask for a dime every time my kids do all that shit they do: needing 101 things after bedtime – dime! Stripping and discarding their clothes on the floor anywhere in the house – dime! Asking me where their shoes are – dime! Sneezing directly into my face – dime! Fighting over something stupid… this list is extensive. In no time you’ll find me here:

I know you don’t normally come here for financial advice, but I think I’m onto something. With this savings plan, my family will have extra cash on hand for any unforeseen expenses or a splurge here and there. I see more date nights in my future, so this is even sound marriage advice! Truly, I think I’ve outdone myself. All this and the kids haven’t even been in school a week yet. Just think what I can do with all my newfound free time!

If I had a dime

Image sources:

http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/view-image.php?image=4458&picture=pocket-change

http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/view-image.php?image=23484&picture=typing-text

http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/view-image.php?image=20851&picture=dollars-and-euros-background

Scrooge McDuck, Disney