If I’m anything, I’m health conscious.
My husband and I have many things in common- we both think we’re both funny even when no one else does; neither of us likes Mad Men; and we’ve got these two kids- among other things. But we have some enormous differences as well- I believe that the outside of a pot needs to be cleaned in addition to the inside; I think it’s weird to eat one cookie allowing the rest of the package to go stale; and I’m a writer while he does not have a way with words. In fact, he often uses words incorrectly, uses the wrong word in place of one that sounds similar, and makes words up by accident.
You might hear him asking for a “slither” of cake.
Last night he had me cry-laughing because he kept saying “pumpkernickel.” He finally figured out why I was laughing, after his fifth or sixth “pumpkernickel,” but he didn’t know what was wrong with it. “It’s not pumpkernickel? Is it pumpnickel? Pump-ker-nickel. Are you sure that’s wrong? Pumkernickel. Pumpkernickel.” I was dying.
When you’re married you have to laugh at the little things, and if you pay enough attention, there are a ton of little things. My husband generally doesn’t love it when I write about him, but once in a while he gives his blessing. Which is lucky because…(drumroll)…
I have an announcement! I am part of the much-anticipated follow-up to the best-selling anthology I Just Want to Pee Alone, put together by the incomparable Jen from People I Want to Punch in the Throat. I’m one of the Super Cool Lady Writers telling hilarious stories about the men in our lives.
I Just Want to be Alone will be available on March 22, 2014, but in the meantime you can pre-order it on Amazon. If you pre-order today, you get a discounted price! So, are you ready to find a few minutes alone to laugh your ass off? Pre-order your own copy, and one for all the laugh-loving women in your life.
“Those seeds aren’t magic, you know.”
Every time Luke says this I panic and sternly hush him. Luckily, he’s king of the non sequitur so Sally usually doesn’t know what he’s talking about. But I know. At any mention of magic, Luke says something about knowing The Truth about the Seeds. He’s threatening to ruin an Easter tradition.
Let me explain: years ago on Easter eve I gave my then-toddler Luke a small handful of magic seeds, a.k.a. Nerds, to scatter on the lawn before bed. In the morning, lo and behold, lollipops sprouted from the grass where the seeds had been sewn! The excitement and wonder in his little face at the sight of this sugary crop was pure magic. Pure magic is like parental crack. We must do this again and again and again and again. Thus traditions are born.
From the start Luke was suspicious. He was pretty almost positive that the seeds were candy, but his curiosity about the magic and the weirdness of me instructing him to throw candy on the grass kept him from simply gobbling them up. Each year his suspicion has grown, and the relationship between his wonder and his desire for Nerds is starting to tip towards gobbling.
I don’t know if all kids are like this, but my kids talk about Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy all year round as if they’re relatives we see occasionally, like cousins. Awesome magical cousins. As such, over the years Luke has periodically and randomly tested out this theory on me. “Those seeds are candy right? I know they’re candy. They’re candy. Right?” Now that Sally is bigger, Luke seems to have it all figured out and all he wants to do is tell her.
The problem is that I see The Truth about the Seeds as the first step towards a complete loss of magic. It’s one short step to There’s no Bunny Hiding Eggs and then just a wee leap to Ew, You’re Collecting my Teeth, There’s no Santa, and, finally, Can I Borrow the Car?
I’m not ready for them to drive, so I quickly shush and change the subject every time Luke brings up The Truth about the Seeds. But it was just a matter of time. Recently, he was too quick to get the whole thing out. I cringed as I readied myself for a little bit of my daughter’s innocence to wither away forever.
“Those aren’t really magic seeds, Sally. We just sprinkle them on the ground, but they don’t magically grow lollipops.”
“Yes they do!”
“No they don’t. The seeds aren’t magic. They’re just candy. After we go to sleep…”
Here it comes.
“After we go to sleep, the Easter Bunny comes.”
Who the what now?
“He digs holes where we dropped the seeds and he plants the lollipops. So the seeds aren’t magic. Mom and Dad are just tricking us.”
I have never loved him more.
“Oh. That’s what you think happens?” I ask. “No. that’s what I know happens.” Nothing gets by this one.