Domestic Bliss and Wrappers

As I discard the wad of lint containing an embarrassing number of mini Cadbury Cream Egg foil wrappers that I accidentally left in a pocket, I have a moment of silent gratitude that I am the only person who would ever clear out our dryer lint trap. My mini Cream Egg secret is safe. As the only person who does many household things, I can keep many secrets.

My children don’t use the garbage can. This is very useful because I can eat their candy and throw the wrappers out without worrying about being caught. Likewise, I don’t have to bury thrown-out child-made masterpieces in the recycling bin as it’s a place they’d never look. When they have garbage, they just drop it on the floor where they stand. So my secrets are safe in the trash can.

I can hide birthday and Christmas gifts in plain sight. The plainer the sight the better in fact. I live with people who can’t find the ketchup while looking in the fridge, even after I say, “It’s on the left side of the second shelf in the door with the other condiments – where it always is absolutely always every single time without exception like last time and the time before that.”

Really though, I have a great family. Each person does a lot to help around the house. My kids wash the bathroom floor! Well, they wet the bathroom floor, and sometimes soap it. And they often then leave towels and underwear on it, certainly in an effort to dry it. What swell kids! They clean my couch daily. Clean it of those pesky couch cushions that is. Possibly misguided efforts, but they’re young and it’s the thought that counts. I have a couch cushion strewn floor to prove that they’re always thinking of ways to help out.

My husband is exceptionally helpful. I hear horror stories about other husbands but I can’t complain. I don’t even have to ask for him to clean most of the dishes after dinner. He also empties the dishwasher unbidden, and puts most of the stuff away. He considerately leaves his laundry right near the laundry basket so all I need to do is pop it in! Always a gentleman, he thoughtfully leaves the butter and jam out on the counter for me, in case I want toast at some point during the day.

The truth is that if the family was more domestically involved, I would have a harder time hiding my stashes of good things. I have small presents secreted away that I sometimes remember, caches of candy, and even an emergency bottle of wine. So, as I don’t bother burying my candy wrapper filled dryer lint in the garbage, I’m reminded of how very lucky I am.

 

Have you bought your copy of I Just Want to be Alone yet? Well, why not?

I Just Want to be Alone

You can just click right here for a paperback copy or right here for a Kindle copy.

 

I Just Want to be Alone – an announcement

My husband and I have many things in common- we both think we’re both funny even when no one else does; neither of us likes Mad Men; and we’ve got these two kids- among other things. But we have some enormous differences as well- I believe that the outside of a pot needs to be cleaned in addition to the inside; I think it’s weird to eat one cookie allowing the rest of the package to go stale; and I’m a writer while he does not have a way with words. In fact, he often uses words incorrectly, uses the wrong word in place of one that sounds similar, and makes words up by accident.

You might hear him asking for a “slither” of cake.

Last night he had me cry-laughing because he kept saying “pumpkernickel.” He finally figured out why I was laughing, after his fifth or sixth “pumpkernickel,” but he didn’t know what was wrong with it. “It’s not pumpkernickel? Is it pumpnickel? Pump-ker-nickel. Are you sure that’s wrong? Pumkernickel. Pumpkernickel.” I was dying.

When you’re married you have to laugh at the little things, and if you pay enough attention, there are a ton of little things. My husband generally doesn’t love it when I write about him, but once in a while he gives his blessing. Which is lucky because…(drumroll)…

I have an announcement!  I am part of the much-anticipated follow-up to the best-selling anthology I Just Want to Pee Alone, put together by the incomparable Jen from People I Want to Punch in the Throat. I’m one of the Super Cool Lady Writers telling hilarious stories about the men in our lives.

I Just Want to be Alone

I Just Want to Be Alone is a collection of essays from 38 of the most Super Cool Lady Writers you’ll find on the web today.

Including:

I Just Want to be Alone will be available on March 22, 2014, but in the meantime you can pre-order it on Amazon. If you pre-order today, you get a discounted price! So, are you ready to find a few minutes alone to laugh your ass off? Pre-order your own copy, and one for all the laugh-loving women in your life.

Click here to pre-order a paperback copy.
Click here to pre-order a Kindle copy.

 

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