Welcome to another edition of I Am Overwhelmed Guest Posts. I sent up my distress signal and my super hot (not relevant) blogger friends answered the call.
Today’s guest post comes from Keesha from Mom’s New Stage. Professional dancer turned mom, Keesha writes with humor and heart in between taking care of her family and teaching the next generation of dancers.
10 Apps Moms Wish to God Actually Existed
1. The Whine Converter
Few things annoy parents more than whining. A persistent whine could make the Dalai Lama a Lexapro addict. As soon as The Whine Converter detects whining in close range, it automatically plays one of the most frequently played songs from your itunes library. And talk about smart – this app knows to exclude children’s songs!
2. The Sleep Predictor
It has been years since you woke up naturally. As soon as you wake up you are plunged into duty. It would be oh so nice to have some time to pee and get your thoughts in order before you have to be on. The Sleep Predictor app knows exactly when your child is going to wake up, and gently rouses you from slumber 5, 10, or 30 minutes before (more than that is ill-advised), so you can ease into the morning instead of awakening with that oh-shit-he’s-up-already feeling.
3. Reality Time Check
You are always late. The problem is not how long things take, but how long you think they’re going to take. You’re basing your ability to get things done on without-kids-time, not with-kids-time. This brilliant app tells you exactly how long common tasks will take with your children in tow. The recipe says prep time is 15 minutes? You need 45. Doing the dishes is a 30 minute job? You need 80! Reality Time Check will even factor in how temperamental your child is, whether your husband is helping, and how sleep deprived you are. Never be late again!
4. Parketype
Parketype has mapped and analyzed every playground according to the persuasion of the supervising adults. Is the playground frequented by hipsters who are act like the cast of Rent but rock $1000 strollers? Are the moms sitting around the picnic table with rings the size of a horse’s eyeball and their children running amok? Will the crunchy granola parents shoot you looks dirtier than NYC subway stairs for feeding your child Goldfish® and a (non-organic) juicebox? Parketype will answer these questions so you can be emotionally, nutritionally, and stylistically prepared for whatever playground you choose.
5. 555-DINS
Dinner is the bane of my existence. This app is the perfect solution! 555-DINS indexes inexpensive dinner recipes that have no more than 5 ingredients and provide 5 days of leftovers! Yep, you read correctly. A meal that even the pickiest eaters will love just as much on Day 5 as Day 1. It’s nothing short of miraculous!
6. It’s Hypnosis, Baby!
Everything is a battle. Diaper changes are a wrestling match; meals go uneaten; and the only thing that could keep your son in his bed is a good strong rope. It’s Hypnosis Baby to the rescue! Just set the app to a desired outcome – such as eat, nap or even car ride – and a pair of mesmerizing googly eyes fills the screen. Your child will be doing just what you want in no time. (It’s Hypnosis, Hubby! is currently in development.)
7. Old School Discipline
Let’s face it, some of the disciplinary tactics in vogue these days practically encourage the behavior of your spirited child, kind of like giving a sex offender some skin mags and a dark-windowed van as “punishment.” This app features video footage of old school punishments like bare-buttock spankings, the dunce cap, and having one’s mouth washed out with soap – punishments and humiliations you would never stoop to! Without a doubt, OSD will reaffirm your enlightened discipline choices while helping your spunky risk taker live past her 25th birthday.
8. Momspiration
The baby rolled off the sofa. You shouted at your toddler when she spilled her juice. Checking your kids in the rearview mirror brought you inches from hitting a pedestrian. You feel like a danger to yourself; you probably shouldn’t be responsible for small children. Here’s Momspiration to offer words of wisdom and forgiveness. You’ll realize that you’re more than good enough.
9. Survival Delivered
If you’ve ever been desperate for a legal-yet-trashy or a calming-yet-unhealthy fix, you must have this app! Survival Delivered brings you whatever you need to get through the day without taking a flying leap off the roof. A barrel of Gummi Bears? A fifth of Wild Turkey? A pizza big enough for a family to sit on? Yes, yes and yes! In your desperate hands in an hour or less! Eat and drink your way to sanity with the Survival Delivered app.
10. Apperspective
Being the parent of little children is the hardest thing you have done. It has stomped on your emotional, physical, intellectual, and financial resources with jackboots. When you have your two-year-old sitting on the sofa between you and your spouse on a Saturday night at 10:30, you feel nothing short of oppressed. But there will come a time when at 10:30 on a Saturday night you have no idea where he is, or when he’s coming home. You will long for the day when his little warm body nestled into yours as you Netflixed cartoons instead of Academy Award winners. This app will give you the perspective you need, knocking it into your thick head that life might not be so bad after all.
Before her two children re-choreographed her life, Keesha was a professional dancer who performed in the U.S. and in Europe. Today she is a master modern and jazz dance teacher in the Chicago area. She is also the human cyclone behind the popular blog Mom’s New Stage. A multitasker at heart, she shows fierce skills at simultaneously writing, choreographing, checking Facebook and Pinterest updates, playing the role of a mother named Joan “Kumbaya” Crawford, and overcooking food.Twitter: http://twitter.com/momsnewstage
Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/momsnewstage/
