Dear People Without Children:
Hi. I used to be one of you. While my life has changed into an almost unrecognizable version of itself from, say, 7 years ago, it’s not so long that I don’t remember. I recall just what it was like when my responsibilities included: my job, my spouse, my apartment, my social life. Back then, a day off would mean tending to some combination of all of those things.
These days, a day “off” is so dissimilar than those of yore, that it ought to have a totally different name. Let’s call it “Marty”. Marty is a day when my kids are in camp or school for a few to several hours. When you hear that a parent has a Marty on his/her hands, please don’t ask, “So, what are your plans for the day?”
This question makes us feel bad and uncomfortable. We expect that you expect some answer that includes items like sitting in a coffee shop, reading a book, going for a long bike ride, getting a manicure, shopping for fun, or just lazing around. We feel really lame when we have to tell you the truth.
Today I’m having a Marty. I was asked that very question. Here’s the truth:
- After a solid 40 minutes of driving and dropping people off, I will workout.
- Upon returning home I’ll sort a giant pile of dirty clothes into lights, darks, and sheets/towels.
- I’ll put a load into the washing machine.
- I’ll spend the next 30 minutes preparing dinner which includes trying to cut all the fat off of the on-sale organic chicken thighs I bought. (I’ll remember why I always buy breasts instead.) Then I’ll attempt to turn the mangled remains into pretty 1 inch cubes.
- I’ll mix up a marinade and toss in the chicken.
- Then I’ll move the wash into the dryer and reload the machine.
- Then, I’ll sit down at the computer to check email, Facebook, and write this post.
- I’ll go downstairs to find that the dryer is not yet dry, but the second wash is done. I’ll do what I always do, and always regret, and take the wet clothes out and put in a new wash, creating a dryer bottleneck.
- Now I get to take a shower! I realize that I’m shivering because I’ve been in sweaty workout clothes this whole time.
- After my shower, I’ll unpack the three still-packed bags I have from my last three weekends away. This will create more laundry.
- While I’m elbow deep in my closet, I might sort out some clothes that are ugly or don’t fit and add them to my giveaway pile.
- This will inspire me to do the same in the kids’ rooms.
- Now the dryer will be done. I load in the wet pile from the floor, empty the washing machine, and put in another load. Still a bottleneck.
- I’ll bring the first dry load up for folding.
- I’ll get distracted by Facebook.
- Now it’s early afternoon and I’ll realize that I haven’t had lunch yet. I’m STARVING. I decide to make a very healthy and reasonable lunch.
- While I wait for my lunch to be ready, I’ll snack on everything within arm’s reach. I will not notice the snacking at all. Tomorrow when I get on the scale, I’ll shake my fist at the heavens for the injustice of it all considering how little I ate yesterday (today).
- Shit! I’d better start folding that laundry. Let me have a cup of coffee first. I’ll push the button on the Keurig.
- I will forget about that cup of coffee and it will sit there until tomorrow.
- As I begin to fold laundry while watching a DVR’d What Not to Wear, I’ll get a call which will lead me to do some other task. It might be calling the mechanic, doing some research for my husband, making doctor’s appointments. I can’t predict it. But it will happen.
- All of a sudden I’ll realize I’m late getting my kids. How am I always late?
- Kids home, house destroyed within minutes. That basket of unfolded, clean laundry is an invitation for them to go bonkers and throw shit everywhere.
- Which reminds me that I need to take the next load out of the dryer and reload it.
- Now I need to prepare the rest of dinner. Chicken out of the marinade and onto skewers for the bbq.
- I will need to wash my hands several times in this process to tend to the kids’ needs. Kids + raw meat = parental nightmare.
- Next I’ll prepare the veggies and sides.
- Stop hitting her.
- Stop annoying him.
- OK, I’ll sit with you for a minute.
- We’ll turn on the TV.
- This is ALWAYS when my husband arrives. He sees: a house that looks like an after picture from a natural disaster, dinner 2/3 prepared, and me lounging around in front of the TV.
So, that’s the real answer to my plans for my day off Marty. This is why I vaguely say something about errands and change the subject.
So, please, Childless People, stop asking us.
Thank you.
Sincerely,
A Mom Who Needs to Check the Dryer Now
This could also be entitled what do SAHM do all day?? Cause you know it’s all bon-bon’s and soap opera’s!
You said it!!!
HAHAHAAA! Right on!!
THANK YOU for detailing your day of chores on your “day off” and ending it with how your husband always comes home to the house looking like youve done nothing and the tv on! lol. I’m a SAHM to a 2yr old and due any day with #2, so though my husband has learned to stop mentioning the condition of the house (since getting anything done while 9m pregnant is usually an accomplishment)….he comes home to my daughter typically watching tv while i just finally sat in a different room trying to eat in peace and quiet watching my own show . So in his mind all we do all day is watch tv – and in reality those were probably the first 5 min either of us have seen all day and he’s intruding on my first chance all day to sit alone and eat….which also means he now wants to sit, change the channel, and request his dinner before i’m even done eating. lol
This is so absolutely TRUE! I feel like I have to admit that I don’t have it quite as bad because I only have one but at 17 months, she’s still a handful. In order to get a real day off, I have to actually leave the house, otherwise I get sucked into the maw of the crazy.
Its like you were taking notes on what I did yesterday. Glad to know that I am not alone in the quest for the perfect Marty.
LOL Had to laugh! Not at you, WITH you! I have 2 at home (until school starts again then I gladly give one away for the day!) and it’s ALWAYS the way… when hubby walks in, most of the crap is done and I’m usually just sitting at the computer while dinner’s on…. looks like a “nice, easy life” I’m sure to him…. until I leave the girls with him for a couple hours, then all of a sudden, he’s pulling his hair out! Love those times!
Oh this is SO my life. Just yesterday, after working my butt off all day I realized my husband was going to come home when I had already left with the kids and, despite all my work, the house sort of looked like someone had broken in and vandalized the place. I thought of leaving him a note saying “it wasn’t robbers, just the kids” but figured he was used to the scene by now.
Thanks for the laugh.
Love this post.
Completely. I’ve gotten to the point where I feel incredibly guilty doing something like reading a book, because I know I could be ironing, doing laundry, or doing prep for the classes I teach…or looking online for cheap sneakers or…you know. More laundry.
I want to send this to every person who asks me the question, what are you doing all day? I also work at home so that’s a real struggle trying to get people to understand that while I’m managing the house I’m also editing and fundraising for my movie. They just look at me and say, “well you wanna meet for coffee?” Huh? I too remember what it was like without a kid but the people who don’t have kids don’t know both sides like we do. I asked my sister once if she could baby sit. I rarely ask her because she works full-time and likes her “days off.” I was desperate. She said, “Hmmm, I don’t know. I might be playing tennis.” To which I replied (in my head), “hmmm, my kid or tennis? Are you kidding me???” Anyway, thanks for this.
So funny and true! Thanks for the laugh!
I know, I know! What is it about the laundry that turns them bat-shit crazy? Or, the work you’ve done around the house always being instantly destroyed? I find myself saying, “I swear, I spent the entire day cleaning,” a lot. As made evident in the post below:
http://momland.wordpress.com/2011/08/19/a-year-in-the-life-of-a-stay-at-home-mom/
Actually I also get this comment from people WITH children. Hello, do you not ‘get it’?!??! Well thanks motherhoodwtf for continuing to be my voice of reason so that I can get a reality check. And a chuckle.
This is absolutely perfect on a number of levels and is just another reason I love you.
How is it that with every child the amount of laundry doubles?
That is me 100% right down to the details including What Not To Wear. Uncanny.
You forgot one thing: cleaning away the breakfast crap (I nearly said “breakfast table”, as if breakfast with children is confined to a table). Generally it sits there for most of the day, and I’m just getting to it as my husband (or mother in law) walks in.
Now, because I am still traumatised by the events of my day (not, for the record, a Marty, just a regular Christ-will-it-ever-be-7pm day) I’m going to share with you all what The Thing was which led me to an unforeseen task today: the task was a sprint to the ER (an expensive sprint, I should add), the event was that my 2 yr old daughter, leaping on the sofa naked, somehow – how? HOW? – managed to… (God, I can still hardly believe it)… tear her perineum… (Apologies for mass-induced feinting spells, and TMI. Like I said, I am still traumatised.)
Noooooooooooooo! You poor, poor woman! (And your poor baby too, naturally.) is she going to be OK? Did she get stitches? I can’t imagine what your life is going to be like while that heals. Godspeed!
And I totally agree about the breakfast table (and beyond).
No stitches. I wish she had actually. The doctor spent 2 mins looking at her, said it was shallow and short and would heal “in time” and then off we went (with a bill for… $1025; we’re just visiting the US, where we come from you don’t pay for this stuff WHEN I THINK OF THE SHOES I COULD HAVE BOUGHT) Anyway – an hour later she does a v large poo (2 feet away from a visiting childless bachelor friend, his face was really the only amusing point in the day) and all of a sudden the rip is really no longer that shallow or short. I have spent the day trying to hold her still, and subsequently now have some small insight into what it must be like to try to catch angry goats covered in butter.
OMG. This is so horrible on so many levels. Except the bachelor. I like that part.
Lol!! That is so true! Thank you for the laugh.
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Every. Damn. Day. I love when they ask at gym ‘Do you guys have Monday off of work as it’s a holiday?’ around the circle. Day off? Day OFF? Thanks to the holiday, my kid isn’t at school, therefore it’s a day ON. T_T
Hilarious. I was laughing out loud crying. And that takes a lot
Amen to the forgotten cup of coffee. Or, in my case, the forgotten pot of coffee…sigh.
Yeah that sounds about right. Although I think you actually did accomplish more than you give yourself credit for. After all, you did make dinner (or 2/3 of dinner?) and it appears that you did SOME laundry (although I lost track of whether the clothes ever got dry or not), but most importantly, you wrote a hilarious blog post. That has to count for something, right?
Too funny and true! I got asked why I put my daughter in preschool since I’m a SAHM. Well for the same reasons you did. And even with my preschooler out of the home two days a week, I still have the other two muchkins which is why nothing every gets done. But no one seems to get that. My husband does, but no one else.
I don’t understand when my single friends say, “So you have the whole “day off” when you drop your daughter at school?” I want go on a mad rant that includes all the items you listed (well, except for the perfect cubes of chicken, that’s a white girl thing) PLUS the fact that I’m finishing my Master’s and have a pile of reading that rivals my pile of laundry and dishes. Thanks for the camaraderie.
You had me at “that’s a white girl thing.” LOL.
Exactly. You just described my life. Especially love the part: “I will forget about that cup of coffee and it will sit there until tomorrow,” and “I’ll get a call which will lead me to do some other task.” And inspired to clean out your kids’ closets. That always happens to me.
I think you should turn this into an adult version of the book If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.
I am a 60 year old grandmother. My grandchildren live many states away. This blog entry made me smile and remember dys I had like this with my 3 children. And made me smile. Thanks
So very true. And that’s if I ever get Marty!!!
I marvel at how my Marty can also unravel within moments. After a day of soup to nuts productivity, it is square 1 within seconds. Kids putting our Marty in a perpetual check-mate. I got this post. Hard.
Bad Parenting Moments recently posted…My Mother’s Helper – A story of maternal redemption.
Priceless again!!!!