It’s been a hard week. L got sick in school on Tuesday morning and stayed sick for more days than I could stand he could stand. Recently I posted this status on my Facebook page:
Names and pictures obscured to protect the innocent.
Am I the only one who thinks it’s funny that a complaint about being stuck home with a sick kid prompts someone to wonder why the hell I chose to take care of kids in the first place? If I were a working mom, would I have been happy about L being sick again? Can’t imagine.
Anyway, the question was a good one. Why am I a stay at home mom? How in the world did I come to this?
When L was born I was finishing up my Master’s degree. I spent my days home with the baby and my evenings at school. I fully intended on working. That was the reason for the degree after all. It’s not like I just felt bad for Sally Mae and wanted to send them money every month for the rest of my natural life. Finishing my degree coincided with moving out-of-town. Incidentally, my husband also finished his graduate school and was now just starting out a career where he would likely be the primary bread-winner.
When we first moved my attention was on my husband’s fledgling career, and getting acclimated to the new area. I spent my time and energy meeting other moms, taking 16-month-old L to music classes, parks, gymnastics classes, libraries and other assorted enriching places only to drag him out of them midway for bad behavior.
After awhile, I felt ready to return to work. I brushed off my resume. I had a brand new degree and was ready to finally put it to work. This was back in 2009. Remember what happened in 2009 with the economy? Turns out, jobs were hard to come by. Also, I suddenly had a higher standard for what my potential job should be. Not only did I have a degree that I wanted to justify with my great new job, but I also had a toddler at home that I’d have to leave. Whatever job I got, had to be worth leaving him for.
Now this might sound strange considering how miserable I actually was when L was a toddler. He was impossible. Our days consisted of me trying some wonderful activity, him being him, and me ending up totally disappointed and often in tears. Optimistically, I felt like I just needed to try harder, be a better stay at home mom. I also thought that at any second L would drop his impossible toddler act and turn into the wonderful kid I knew was in there, and I didn’t want to miss it when it happened! (Still waiting…)
This is all a long way to say that I’m a stay at home mom because when I was finally ready to go back to work, the right job wasn’t available. Then S came along and I wanted to give her the same mommy-attention that L had for his baby years. (Unfortunately for S, L beat the trying-wonderful-activities energy right out of me before she came on the scene.) Over the years I’ve applied to a few choice jobs as they’ve come available. I’m lucky to be in a position to be choosy about it. When I do go back to work, I want the job to be more than a distraction from home, more than a paycheck. I want a job where I contribute to something I believe in, where I can learn and grow, where I can sink my teeth into something meaty, interesting and challenging. That’s a lot to ask for.
(Also? I’m still secretly hoping to to be a real writer. It’s something that I love and am good at. Just about the only thing I can think of that falls into both those camps. I have a few book ideas in various states of incompletion, and this blog which takes a lot of my time and pays no money whatsoever.)
I think u summed it up perfect. Don’t ever settle you earned it! If I didn’t love my job i would be in your shoes doing the same thing.
People who ask the question, “Why do you stay at home?” sometimes honestly want to know. The rest? Probably a hidden agenda. I’ve done both working full time and staying home full time. Right now I’m somewhere in the middle. No matter which I’ve done, there are always the questions. I just say, “It’s what works for me.”. Everyone gripes about their job. If we didn’t, we’d go batshit crazy. Motherhood? It’s still a job.
Thank you! So many people who don’t have kids don’t have a clue how HARD it is to choose to be at home. I have a college degree, and I’ve been terribly lucky — I can work from home, when the contracts are available. I’m an editor for college textbooks and for fiction (two of my authors have gone on to win awards). I love my work, even when it’s hard sometimes to find the time around two kids. But I *choose* to make parenting my primary job because it’s important. Children need attention and I didn’t want to pay someone to be the primary person teaching my child anything. I wanted them to grow up with my values. That said…. it’s still a JOB. There are good days and bad days. Days just like when you work at the office and the LAST thing you want to deal with is the annoying A-hole in the cube next to you — in this case, the annoying A-hole happens to be the person that I spawned from my loins, but hey! That doesn’t make him less annoying that day!
You are not alone out there, I promise you. I read your blog every chance I get because I totally see the reflections of my own life. 
And if you want an editor, feel free to contact me. 
Thanks for the offer. I might just take you up on it one day!
Thanks so much! I as always love your honesty. I know how you fee about working, I work full time and feel he same way. I live in Canada and when I got a year paid mat leave I ejoyed it and would have stayed home if I didn’t like my job so much. I think anyone in a position to pick a job that will make them money and happy is very lucky!
My husband is in the Navy and althoug I love working I think I would go crazy staying home when he is out at sea….no breaks! work is a good distraction when he is away.
I am a working mom and I truly have a lot of respect for the moms that can be there 24 hours a day with their kids and not strangle them. I was home for 6 weeks after having my 2nd girl and my 2 year old daughter about drove me crazy with her terrible 2 attitude. I give a lot of credit for those that do it and keep their sanity. Sounds like you are doing a good job. And no, I never ever am happy to be home with a sick kid just because it gets me out of work for the day. Seeing my children not feel well sucks and kills me, I wish I could take the sickness from them. I would much rather have my fisty little girl than a child puking on me!
Thanks so much for posting this. I’m a new mom who recently went back to work and I’ve found that I hate it. The funny thing is that I never in my wildest dreams thought I’d want to stay at home; I have always been a bit of a workaholic and as a high school teacher, even on the bad days, I still got a lot of fulfillment from doing what I do. Now, it’s all I can do to make it through the school year so that I can stay home with my little girl starting in June. I know that staying at home with my baby is going to be the toughest job I’ve ever had (and I used to teach inner city kids), but at least when she shoots me a look of disdain, I can laugh openly at her
I love your blog- so glad I found it!
That was nice of you to answer the question but I would have ignored that comment. I wanted to say your blog may not make any income but it provides joy and support and comfort to MANY moms. I think you are gonna rock as a paid writer!!! As soon as you publish one of your books, I’m the first in line to purchase! You rock Alison!
Aw. Thanks, Shawna!
There are very few of my life choices that aren’t, in retrospect, almost completely hung on circumstances.
Let’s be writers together! Happy dance.
I’m just waiting for the kids to all be in public school to start my memoir about my dead dad. Oh, man, laugh-a-minute!
Indeed, that does sound like a laugh-a-minute. All kids in school seems like an impossible fantasy. It will happen one day, right??
I liked your post. I am currently in finishing up grad school and just had my first baby. I’m wondering what I’ll do when I finish also.
I need to find something REALLY good or else it won’t be worth it…
I am glad that you told us your beautiful story, but I am sad that you had to answer anyone that asked you such a dumb question…or that you need to justify why you stay home. I was a mega ladder climber equipped with a Master’s degree and all when my first was born. I worked for about six months through some unbearable childcare issues. I decided to stop working and thought I would go back in about six months. Turns out, being home with my baby was the best job I ever had. I exclusively stayed home for a while, had another one, and then started working part-time from home. The truth is…being a full-time working out of home mom…stay at home mom….work at home mom….they all SUCK SOMETIMES!!! Jeez…if having small kids was a laugh-a-minute job with no majorly awful times, then everyone would have 15 kids. It’s hard. Kids were made to be so damn cute so that we want to keep taking care of them despite how difficult it actually is (that is a biological fact). Write on, momma. We all believe in you.
I get asked that all the time too. I don’t have some lovely answer about it being for my babies. It’s because I can’t earn enough to cover the cost of childcare, after 13 years of management level experience in my field. I never wanted to be a SAHM and I don’t think I’m that good at it. But it pays better than anything else I can get.
Thank you for sharing. I struggle with this concept. I also struggle with people that think being a SAHM isn’t a full time job! We don’t get days off, no breaks and it drives me crazy that people thinkwe sit around and eat bonbons all day! I actually just had this conversation with a friend of mine not 30minutes ago! She’s made some comments that I took offense to. She works FT and doesn’t have kids. Boy is her world gonna flip upside down when she does have kids. Anyone want to get some popcorn and sit with me and watch it happen?
Holy crap. We live parallel lives. We should write a book together about badly-behaved children and the women who raise them.
I love, love, love your sense of humor! As a college educated SAHM, I am constantly struggling with myself as to ‘what I should’ be doing with my life…..motherhood is not easy no matter what path we choose …..but blogs like yours sure do help!
Are you my twin? Not a SAHM, but I can totally relate. I, too, tried to make lifechanging decisions in the 2008-09 era. Blew up in my face. That’s life, though, right?
You’re hilarious!