“If you don’t let me stay home, I’m going to be bad all day, break everything in the house, and punch you in the face!”
Today is Thursday, which is my special day with just L. Worried that L wasn’t getting enough individual, special attention, I arranged for S to go to daycare on Thursdays so L gets a whole day alone with me. We have a library story time in the morning, gymnastics in the afternoon, and in between we get to do whatever we want without the constraints of S’s naps, moods, diapers etc.
I hate Thursdays.
This morning L refused to put on his socks, boots, coat etc. He wanted to stay home alone while I drove S to daycare. The quote above is what he said to me when I told him that he’s not allowed to stay home alone. Great way to start our special day together, right?
I’m so annoyed. I feel like I keep doing the right things and they keep not having the desired effects. I know it’s hard on L to have S around all the time. I know it’s hard on him that he’s constantly told NO! while she’s gently redirected. I know it’s hard on him that strangers comment on how cute she is, while he stands there virtually invisible. So I took S entirely out of the picture for a whole day. I try my hardest to protect him from her as often as I protect her from him, so he’s not the one always in the wrong. I always respond to strangers’ comments with something like “…and L is such a great big brother!”
And yet, I’m told that he’s going to break everything in my house and punch me in the face. W. T. F?
Is this even a normal thing for an almost 4-year-old to say? Or is my boy especially bad? What’s the correct response to this? Ignore? Calmly say “that’s 1…”? Put him in a time out? Punch him in the face so he knows how it feels? Or tell him that it’s totally unfair that I have to put up with such obnoxious behavior and that our special days together are just not working out and I’m going to put him in daycare instead?
Every day with L is a battle. Nothing is easy. I wake up and have to steel myself for the day ahead with him. When he’s finally in bed at night, I feel myself relax for the first time. Another day survived. Is it supposed to feel this way?
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Ugggh, that is terrible. You are such a good mom to try this Thursday thing! How long have you been doing it? Is it possible L just hasn’t “caught on” yet? Are library story time and gymnastics things he looks forward to doing? Is it possible to “sweeten” the Thursday deal even more by letting him pick the activity of the day? I wish I had some better ideas. You are a great mom!
Thanks. We started back in September so it’s def not a new thing. He loves gymnastics, but admittedly doesn’t love story time. I didn’t take him today because why force him to do something he doesn’t like? He actually does look forward to our special day, get’s excited for it etc. Just behaves like a little turd.
I think it’s just a “almost 4-year old” thing. I went back to work to get away from it. My daughter and your son could give each other a run for thier money! Only 12 hours to go!
It’s a phase! It has to be a phase. The universe couldn’t be that cruel. Sometimes I just like one of my children better and that’s the way it is. Don’t worry, this too will pass. x
I just started reading your blog and I think we lead parallel lives. Good idea on the “special day.” Sorry it doesn’t feel so special to you. I have been searching for a military school that has a preschool program for my 4 year old boy, but my search has turned up nothing yet. Hang in there.
Plan on giving him a dose of his own medicine later. When he’s grown and has a family of his own and you want to come over to play with the kids, if he tells you he is busy, try this response:
“If you don’t let me come over, I’m going to be bad all day, break everything in your house, and punch you in the face.”
Just an idea.
I like that you have the long view in mind. I spend a fair amount of time plotting my revenge.
My son is also almost 4 (turning 4 in March) and he wouldn’t ever say that. Not to say that he’s incapable of being bad, he’s not. But I wouldn’t have let that comment go. I’d have put him in time out immediately and would have definitely tried to (later when calmer) explain to him why punching someone in the face is a very bad thing. And that being bad isn’t going to get him what he wants, it will in fact do the opposite and get him in trouble.
I’m sorry that you tried so hard to do something special for him and it go off to such a rough start =/ Its a very admirable and great thing that you’ve blocked off this special day just for him.
A says things along the same line when we need to leave the house and she doesn’t feel like joining us. I pretend to ignore her and usher the other kids out and close the door behind me, in her face. She’s heard screaming, “You can’t leave me here! I’m just a kid!”. But in your case, it seems being left alone in the house is the goal?
I have your son’s evil twin. My 4 year old has said nasty things like that, and has been for over a year. That despite many different discipline approaches, including completely ineffective time outs and explanations. My psychologist said to ignore it, that he is looking for attention and even negative attention is better than none. So, keep up with your days alone with him, that’s awesome. I completely understand how disappointing it is when you put so much planning into something fun and they just plain ruin it. It takes alot to remember they are only little peanuts still. Good luck!
I have 4 kids- girl age 11, girl age 6, boy almost 4, and girl 2 1/2. Oh, and one on the way in a month. Yes- 5 kids. You tell it straight. This is exactly how it is. Sometimes you absolutely hate your kids. But you wouldn’t give them up for anything. That’s motherhood. To pretend its roses and unicorns is stupid. Thanks for being honest. I try to be honest with my friends about motherhood, and they stare at me like I have 3 heads. Anyways, this is a phase. My boy tells me he’s going to chop off my boobies and give them to the dog, or he says he is going to throw me in the lake. They say things like this to get a reaction from you- best thing is ignore things he says, calmly say “we don’t talk like that.” They especially say things like this when you are trying to rush out the door, and then you end up blowing a gasket and screaming “JUST SHUT UP and put your $#$&& shoes on!!!” Which you know isn’t the right answer either. (even though it feels so good
I have learned over the years to warn them of upcoming things 10 and 5 and 1 minutes beforehand so they are prepared we have to leave (or whatever).
I think your “boy day” is a good idea, it may be a little overwhelming to him to have you to himself for a whole day. I think having his little sister is good for him, and with my kids, I do things that we all can do together, so that it’s not about 1 kid or the other, it’s about US as a unit. So we play animals, legos, color, glue noodles to paper, take walks ect.
Ps, we live in Minnesota, and its like 40 below here right now, and we are all cooped up inside. So they get mighty annoying. Just remember, your best is all you can do, and then it’s out of your hands. Your kids will hate you for a spell no matter how good a parent you are, but they will always love you, and thank you for loving them when they are big. Sorry this is so long- but I thought I’d throw a little encouragement your way- us moms need to stick together!
His age is absolutely a testing-the-waters age. Can oft be confused with ‘did I birth me a psychopath?’.
It is absolutely frustrating and some days (um..particularly the ones where he declares the plan to punch you in the face…as if he could reach! Shrimp!!) will be worse than others. But it gets better.
I have heard across the board that ages 6/7-11 are simply awesome. My son’s 5.5yo and you could eat him with a spoon (most days…like the ones when he’s not taking a dump in his bedroom). I can see the changes for the better in him daily.
Hang in there. Have a drink. Move to NJ and be my neighbor. It will all get better.
My son once bit the living tar out of my breast; I forget now how old he was at the time. Instinct had me biting him back…appropriate, no but it sure taught him not to do it again. I don’t advocate hitting anyone (and I’m sure as a good mom you wouldn’t) but there’s got to be something L holds very dear to his heart that you could take away immediately as punishment. This worked really well when ours were that age.
BTW, I love reading your blog. You say stuff I wish I could.
And I’m glad I’m not the only one that breathes a sigh of relief when they’re finally asleep!
Oh momma, I hate that he’s being a poop about his special day. I like what Stephanie B. is laying down. Hit him (metaphorically) where it hurts.
But don’t follow my example. When one of my twins was doing I don’t even recall what—but rest assured it was obnoxious—I grabbed her plush Sleeping Beauty doll and tried to rip it’s head off. Literally. I failed, and was reduced to ripping it’s hair off, effectively scalping her special soft doll that she used to soothe herself to sleep. So, banner mothering there. But I sure did get her attention.
Got something you could used that falls just short of scalping a beloved sleepy time friend?
I know someone who ripped the head right off of a beloved stuffed animal. Isn’t it swell that we all have kids to bring us to the brink of insanity and show us just what crappy people we really can be?
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I want to cry as much as laugh at your post! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Because I thought I was the worst mother in the entire world for feeling some of these same things! I do feel like a really crappola of a mother sometimes! My older boy will be 5 in 17 days (we’ve been counting since 89 days) and when he was 3 I had more days that I hated him than not. How terrible is that to say? But it was true. HORRIBLE! From the minute I woke up until I went to bed I was on attack alert. Then he ate his four year old birthday cake with apparent magic powers and my world was a bit better! He’s regressed a bit since baby was born – so I’m planning the best five year old cake I can! Hang in there!
Oh, Allison. I’m so sad for you. I think your special day plan sounds brilliant — why don’t these kids ever read the memos? I wonder if you tried doing something “grown up” with him, if that would seem different to him? My daughter is particularly feisty, but one of her most favorite things to do is go with Daddy to the coffee shop on Saturday morning and have a muffin with him while he gets his weekend coffee fix. I think there’s something about being in an adult space without her brother around that makes her act more grown up and princessy.
Also, if you’re going to try the head-ripping stunt, maybe pull out a few stitches in the seam first for maximum effect?
Aggravating as hell but normal. Although I am pretty sure my brother and I never spoke to our parents that way because my dad would have well lets just say all he had to do was look at us funny. My grandson however has been having these same outbursts! Twice I have snatched him up and spanked his butt. Once I even took his favorite movie that he was being a brat about, walked out and took it home with me. He has been doing this for several years and they are just now going to have another one. I’m getting a little worried. He is five. So this should be very interesting. I think he has learned that his parents will take crap from him but I won’t. He is much better behaved with me usually. I don’t know what the answer is and I hate spanking but it works. Last time I put him in the corner and he just walked out said he wasn’t going to stand there. I pulled a drill sargent routine on him and he did stay there. Then when his time was up I called him to the table to eat and it was never mentioned again and we had a very pleasant rest of the day. I think in your case maybe I would have just sent him off to day care also and went on about my day, enjoying it. I’d be willing to bet he would not try that nonsense again. Trust me don’t feel as guilty as you do. It’s obvious that you are a good mom and love your kids, that you aren’t a pyscho abuser/killer mom. They need tough love. It’s very difficult to give but you have too or they will run all over you. And you do not want that when they are teenagers! I have two grown children who are very nice, decent people who still love me and visit me. It will be fine. Really. So do what you say and say what you mean.
That really sucks and I am very sorry that you are so frustrated.
Does L clearly know that Thursdays are your “special day” together? I might be being incredibly naive and if so, I apologize. But my first thought reading this was how much fanfare and anticipation lead up to each Thursday? Like reminding him earlier in the week that your special day is coming and he should think hard about what he would like to do with you that day.
Obviously I don’t know L, but maybe making a really big deal out of what Thursdays are for you two might entice him to cooperate because it’s something special for HIM.
I don’t know….maybe I’m just talking out of my ass.
He knows it’s our special day. We’ve had it every Thursday since the beginning of Sept. Every night he asks what will happen tomorrow, so on Wednesday he’s told that tomorrow is our special day. His behavior that morning wasn’t so much out of the ordinary, it just sucked especially much because it was our day alone together, a day I arranged thinking of him and his needs and feelings and how much fun we could have doing big boy things.
Oh man. I go through this. I have called my mother in law telling her that something must be horribly wrong with Brandon because he is so bossy and so demanding. His favorite statement? I hate you. He says it all the time.
A few things I can suggest here. The first one is a visual aid and a time out. I use the learning resources time tracker. It looks like a stop light, and has both lights and sounds as it counts down to time up. It works so well for Brandon and has proven to be the only way time out doesn’t turn into a battle of “you can’t keep me in my room” fights.
The second thing is “What you focus on, you get more of.” I have seen this work! Seriously. Less attention to the bad, lots of attention when he is caught being good. Also, telling L that it he will have to go stand in corner/go to room/go in bathroom and say mean things where they cannot be heard by others seems to help. I always tell Brandon that if he is going to say I hate you, he has to do it in his room. And he does. Loudly. But he is in his room, right?
Lastly, take it easy on yourself. This is really just a phase. Be consistent. Same reaction, same words, very little emotion, when things are getting out of hand. The more upset you get, the worse his behavior is likely to get.
I read a book recently called Easy to Love, Difficult To Discipline, by Becky Bailey. You might want to check it out. I thought it was a big bucket of shit at first! LOL But when I tried some of the techniques with my 3 year old (who had become nearly unlikable) they really worked.
If you want to chat more, please email or leave a comment on my blog. Seriously, I am right where you are and the only reason I can be so (or try to be so) helpful is because today, we are having one of the rare good days. But I do see the changes I have made to my reactions to his behavior, putting a bit of a stop on his behavior. I see it. It just isn’t fast enough to keep me from running down the street shreiking something incoherent about little brats LOL.
Anyway, I’m here if you need me. :0) Hugs.
LOVE your blog! Reading of your experiences makes me feel like, if not a better mother, at least a normal one!
I have a little guy that is almost 5. Just within the last few months he has started becoming someone that I might actually like. Hang in there!
Might I suggest sending HIM to daycare instead? We did something similar, and having him spend the day with other kids, being told what to do by other people…it made a huge difference. Maybe you just need a break from each other.
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