I met with an early childhood family counselor, Al, today about my problems with L. I’m going to meet with her weekly, without L, to discuss what’s working, what’s not, etc. Of course, I’ll let you all in on it so we can all benefit from some family counseling!
I explained my problems with L: that we lock horns; that he pushes my buttons and I react accordingly; that I feel like I’ve lost control and no matter how strict I get, things keep getting worse. Her advice was to lay off. What? Lay off? The kid needs consequences! Right?
Apparently (maybe) wrong. He should get an immediate time out for any hitting or the like. Time outs should be in his room for 5 minutes. (Horay! 5 whole minutes!) Any other obnoxious behavior should be counted, like 1-2-3 Magic. No emotion. No more taking away toys, shirts, special meals. Only the time outs for physical violence, and counting for everything else. Instead of engaging in battle when provoked, disengage completely from him and ignore him.
Eg: Now, L kicks my seat in the car to annoy me. I ignore. He kicks harder. I ignore. He keeps kicking until finally I am so annoyed I tell him to stop it (angrily) and he uses that opportunity to call me stupid and make rude noises. The new way would be: L kicks my seat. I immediately pull the car over, turn it off, and sit there staring straight ahead saying nothing. L may be confused, may get upset and when he finally asks why I stopped I calmly say, “I’m waiting for you to stop kicking my seat.” Nothing more is said. When he stops, I drive.
When I feel like wringing his little neck, when I want to scream at him, when I want to kill him, I need to go lock myself in the bathroom. This part is going to be the hardest for me. I’m pretty volatile. And in the heat of anger it will be so hard to reign myself in.
So that’s the plan. I’ll let you know how I do. And if it has any impact on L’s behavior. Al said that within 3 weeks L will be different. And that I’ll probably like him again. Wish me luck!
Thanks for the update. Good luck! I can’t wait to hear how it goes.
Good luck!
I feel your pain – I know all about the escalation and button pushing. I am currently doing my best to keep up my end of deal with my 5 yr old. We have agreed that I will only ask him to do things calmly and quietly, and he will agree not to yell and call me names in response. I like to describe myself as a passionate person (or volatile – same/diff) so this is a bit challenging for me, but I do know it’s hard for him too… we are on day 2 and so far so good… We even got out the door *almost* on time today. Anyway, thanks for your candor and I look forward to reading more about how it all works out (for the best I’m sure!)
It sounds like a logical approach. He’s such a smart child, it will be interesting to see how he deals with this new gameplan. Keep a magazine in the bathroom–something brainless like People or Us–so you can distract yourself for those few minutes as well as calm yourself. Good luck.
I am having the exact same problems, so I will be trying what you do! Looking forward to updates…
A friend of mine used 1-2-3 Magic and really liked it. She has to refer to it several times a year though to remind her what to do, but it does seem effective. I love the idea of pulling over. Nothing scared me more than when my mother would pull the car over! Good luck…we’re with you!
Good luck! Having a game plan is sooo helpful.
“serenity now”
(please tell me you’re not too young to get the seinfeld reference!)
Definitely not too young. I’ve shouted it a time or two.
The thing I don’t get about strategies like this is what about the impact on Kid #2? I am “stopped” right now on a walk until E sits or stands correctly on the stroller, but I have a fussy tired baby I need to get home. What about his needs?
Good question. Basically I think #2 just has to suck it up and you just have to suck it up as mom to cranky #2. My locked in the bathroom moments aren’t exactly peaceful as S bangs her head on the door and cries the entire time I’m in there. S also hates the car, so being pulled over and sitting there silently actually will just raise my blood pressure to acute levels as S screams her bloody head off. Theoretically, though, in the long run life for #2 will be better when #1 realizes that the attention he’s after isn’t coming his way from bad behavior. Also, #2′s life is probably better when mom isn’t constantly angry and yelling.
Yeah. Also, it’s a family not a collection of individuals. And sometimes family members have to suck it up to help the most needy at any given time. Once L comes around (and he will!) he’ll need to be patient when S has her moments, or is in a ballet recital he doesn’t want to sit through
Being a fair mom isn’t giving each kid the same things, it’s giving each kid what they really need – and sometimes one child needs more than the other for a time. And back and forth forever.
In the long run “life isn’t fair and I’m not the only person on the planet” is a great lesson for everyone. (not to mention that calm mom thing!)
I’m intrigued by this, and wish you luck luck luck!!!
Sounds like great practical advice – good luck with implementation!! I actually got similar advice from the early intervention specialists here the other day to deal with my issues with my 2 year old terror. Must be the modern spanking.
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