I have failed in some fundamental way. My son is the worst of all of his peers. I see how the other kids are, and mine is worse. I’m at a complete loss. I don’t see how there is any way that his absolute horridness is anything but my own fault. He wasn’t born horrible. I must have made him that way but I don’t know what I did so wrong.
I don’t know what to do with him. I don’t know how to get through to him. I don’t know how to make it so that he does not treat me so poorly. I’m crying as I type this because I’m so upset about how he is, how he acts, the way he treats me.
He is fine with other people. Not perfect, but you know, he’s 3. But with me he is so rude and disrespectful. Where does he get the idea that I deserve to be spoken to that way? That I can be kicked and spit at? That he can call me names?
Today in the car after he called me stupid for telling him to stop bothering S, I reached back to hand S her cup and L kicked me as hard as he could. I pulled over. Now what? I needed to punish him in some way. So I unbuckled his car seat and took his beloved Spiderman t-shirt right off of him. The whole time I was struggling to do that and then buckle him back in, he was spitting at me. Actual spit. In my face. See what I mean? He’s the worst one.
He’s out of control. I don’t know what to do. Right now he’s still in the car. In his carseat. In the garage. In a timeout. No doubt he’s screaming his head off. I told him earlier that we were having chips for dinner (nachos). He couldn’t believe his luck and was so excited. In the car, after I had already taken the shirt right off of his back, I told him he will not be eating chips for dinner. That I will make him something else. Because he spit at me, and hit me, and called me names. I have nothing else to take away from him. Nothing matters. Of course this brought new tears and new insults.
I don’t deserve to be treated this way. I don’t know why he does it. I’m not lenient. I don’t let him get away with it. I’ve read every fucking parenting book known to man and I just don’t know what else to do.
The problem is that no consequence really matters to him. He’s smart enough to know that at the end of the day I will still love him, still feed and shelter him, and still clothe him even if it’s not in Spiderman t-shirts. So, he knows that nothing I can take away really means anything.
I really can’t do this anymore. I can’t believe that my life has led me to this abusive relationship with a 3-year-old. (Abuse from, not toward him.) How shitty a mom I must be!
How long can I leave him out in the car? He’s safe. But not happy. It’s been 8 minutes. I have to go get him. I had planned to play outside until dinner time since I’ve done all the prep work. But I don’t want to play outside with him. I want to send him to his room. And make him a PB&J for dinner and then send him back to his room. None of it will matter. He’ll just scream abuse at me from upstairs.
Sorry for the rant. I probably shouldn’t hit publish but I will.
Many many moms (particularly of 2-to-4-year-olds) feel the same way.
Its not fair to us as parents that we’re not only supposed to figure out how the hell to Tame The Beast but to not take the abuse personally in the meantime.
I wish I had some advice, but I think all I’ve tried to pass on before is stuff you’ve already tried (consistency in threats & punishments, giving him a chance to make the right decision, taking away something prized to him, make it about you two being on the same team so you’re never the Bad Guy…). I’m sorry I’ve got nothing else in my arsenal for you. I wish I did.
Allison, I am so sorry. I am glad you hit publish because you shouldn’t have to suffer through this alone. I agree that what you are describing is bad. My 3 year old can be pretty darn bad sometimes (a few days ago, I felt tempted to pull over to the side of the road, pull him out of his car seat, and give him a spanking like a crazy person and in full view of dozens of people in a densely populated area, but I thankfully restrained myself), BUT the behavior you are describing is probably 3x worse than my guy’s bad behavior, so I don’t even know how you are surviving it, especially since you don’t get to go away to work like me. Anyway, I can assure you that none of this is your fault. I know you and you are a good person. And God knows you have read all the parenting books and that you always do your best for your kids. I am sure you are not perfect, but neither is anyone else, so it is through no fault of your own that L treats you this way. I hesitate to say this because I don’t want to offend you, but have you thought about seeking some professional help for L? Maybe your pediatrician could refer you to someone, maybe some kind of behavioral therapist. It just seems like you have tried everything and nothing is working; I wonder if a professional might have some other ideas.
Thanks, Sarah and I’m not offended. You’re probably right. I don’t think there is anything wrong with L, (aside from possibly just being a jerk) but help would certainly be helpful. I think he’s on the maximum-ally out of control end of the normal spectrum.
You are living my life! This is normal, as abnormal as it seems. My most professional piece of advice is drink more wine. No other advice. He could be having a delayed reaction to the new baby in the house. Some kids just take longer to figure out. My daughter was wicked from day one but she was typical, mostly just looking for attention so ignoring her was the answer. My son on the other hand (who was the most peaceful baby/ toddler) turned on me when he was 3 (just before my 3rd was born). He is now 6 and I am slowly figuring him out. its a long frustrating road but what sometimes worked for me was to talk about the bad behavior when he was in a good mood, there was no reaching him when he was mad or behaving badly. Good luck, you are fighting the big battle…
Hard to believe, but we have all been there. 3 is far worse than 2 yrs old. The only thing that I found that mattered to my son, was vinegar. He hated it so much that he actually “usually” behaved. I keep a spray bottle with me. If he says ugly things, or does things that are seriously rude I use it. Maybe it is an option you haven’t tried. It won’t hurt him, but it taste nasty and will make a point.
Just know that we have all wondered why the hell we had kids during the 2s and 3s! I have also left mine buckled in the car seat b/c of the tantrums.
I have also read every parenting book known to man and still wonder why can I not do it right???
He will grow up just fine. Do your best and know that all those that read your blog are supportive no matter how bad it gets! HUGS
Hello again! I just left a long-winded story on your previous post, so I won’t tell you what I think would work here, because you probably just wanted to rant anyway and don’t really want advice! So just take a deep breath and remember: tomorrow is another day and this won’t last forever!
Best,
Gloria
I’m pretty sure this is what I’m in for with at least one of my twins. I already have a book called “The Strong Willed Child” in my Amazon shopping cart. I intend to read it this winter as they just turned 2 (and I’ve been told the 2s are just a numbing period for the 3s).
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I hope you can find some way to deal with it while he’s still young. Thanks for sharing…I’m sure it was hard, but you’re not alone in this.
I remember that frustration! 3 is a really hard age, especially when dealing with someone fighting so hard against any boundry you put down.
Like a poster above, I was going to suggest something small and harmless as punishment. A gf of mine carries a tube of wasabi with her. Her kids have become so well behaved and well mannered since. Heh.
I on the other hand made a reward chart! I sat with the kids and explained what I was doing and we discussed the things they’d like to get out of it.
They both had different reward wants so I catered to that.
My eldest likes books, friends over and money.
My littlest likes stickers, the park and money.
We used stickers for a while but then the little one would knock off the reward chart stickers which would result in her losing 1 or 2 which was counteractive to the whole rewards process.
I used a stamp of their choice now from a cheapy shop (Dolphin and fairy as it happens) and it just rubs off with my finger if Im walking past while threatening.
It’s definitely a great motivator and they even pull themselves up now.
Sending you a virtual hug (from a virtual stranger, but hoping you’ll accept it).
I think talking to someone is a good idea. If nothing else, it will give you some perspective and some personal yet uninvested feedback. Cyberstrangers are uninvested, but don’t have the full picture. Family has the big picture, but that comes with bias. So a clear mind and fresh eyes would do you well. We did it – no major answers but just some new perspective. And it showed him that we were seriously concerned about this behavior for real, not just for conversation. And ifturns out there is something deeper, you’ll know.
You know, one thing I find that is sort of ass-backwards about kids, but totally true is the more powerful their anger and out of controlness, the more they crave control. Being out of control is scary, and instead of the logical response of getting under control, it escalates instead. And it is exhausting.
So you might consider going all Amish on him. Simple life, simple rules, simple expectations, simple schedule. Boring, routine, predictable. Might drive you to drink, but it could also soothe him and help him rebuild trust in his own reactions, and yours to boot.
You know this comes from a totally judgment free zone. It’s not your fault. Not at all. But you are the only one who can fix it. And I know you are trying. Don’t give up. Mine is 9 and he is finally a delight – it took a lot of blood, sweat and tears to get him there. Some will say he would have outgrown it, but I don’t believe that’s true. I think we had to nuture him through. And I think if I’d given up he’d still be a sociopath. That’s sad, but it’s true. He was harder than most – and not just by my account, by others as well. Thinking “this too shall pass” will not help. Crying and breathing and doing the work that is motherhood will. Not today, not even tomorrow but eventually.
I hope you are still writing when that time comes. It will be a pleasure to read about L’s evolution, and yours.
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I agree with Meg. About your online peeps and your family being great, but perhaps not exactly what you need right now. A family/child therapist will give you a new perspective and new ideas. I did it for my Bug when she was 3.5 and had hideous, massive tantrums – 3 or 4x a day.
It all started with a semi-scary incident with a batty old lady who tried to take Bug from me (thinking Bug was her granddaughter). Needless to say, Bug freaked (so did I) and the impacts were long-ranging – clinginess, scared of older people, lots of questions about strangers, etc. The tantrums didn’t start until way after, but the therapist helped me understand the connection – and that Bug needed to feel more in control over her surroundings and fate. So we did lots of interesting stuff that actually worked – slowly the bad behavior started to fade.
I like the idea of an Amish-control initiative, like Meg suggested. Maybe put a simple schedule on the fridge that applies to every single day. Wake up, eat, brush teeth, watch 1 show on TV, have an outing (park, gym, errands, whatever), lunch, nap, play at home/have an outing, watch 1 show, eat dinner, tub, brush teeth, bedtime. Or if your days aren’t that simple, have a schedule for each day. Whatever works, just have something that helps L know the routine. Then have the reward chart for specific good behaviors. Bug gets a nickel for each thing she accomplishes (she picks what/how much she does, I don’t force it, and she ends up getting about $1 each week): make bed, stay in bed all night, no tantrums, clean up toys, etc. Bonus – now that she is 4.5, she is beginning to understand the value of saving money. I think you said in the past that a chart didn’t work, but it might as part of a bigger control initiative.
And I agree, it’s quite possible that L is having a delayed reaction to S being around, just like Bug’s reaction to the batty old lady incident was largely delayed.
So sorry you are going through this. I have had some really tough times with Bug, but I can’t imagine how hard it is to deal with L disrespecting you. What does your husband think?
I’m so sorry, Allison. This sounds perfectly awful. You are a good mom. You are. Sometimes this is just how it goes. My 11 year old still says horrible things sometimes. It has taken a while to figure out what consequences matter to her. Some do, some don’t. We use bits and pieces from “Transforming the Difficult Child.”
Also, a friend of mine with young boys has her husband step in whenever possible. He has made it his mission to teach his sons never to hit or speak disrespectfully to women – starting with mommy. When they do, he swoops in with a big daddy punishment. This breaks the power struggle between kids and mom. Also, he feels it is perfectly reasonable to protect his wife from her own children, so that’s nice. I don’t know what your husband’s take on all this is, and of course he’s not there all the time. But honestly, I would not hesitate to recruit him to your cause – a reminder of who the real alpha dog in the home could be helpful for your son.
Sorry, I know you weren’t really looking for advice and that you have tried so many things – this is just what came to mind for me, so I thought I’d put it out there. Good luck.
Thanks, Jenni. My husband is totally on board and has been coming down especially hard on L when he is disrespectful to me. (They then have ridiculous conversations: “Don’t you dare speak to my wife that way. Go to your room!” “She’s not your wife. She’s mine!”) It is helpful to have T step in with his big scary man voice which gets bigger and scarier when he’s angry whereas mine frustratingly gets higher and shriller.
Glad I stumbled here in my blog hopping. Don’t feel you are alone in this- all moms of this generation have been in your shoes. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had the “I’m a terrible mom and I failed at this mom thing” breakdown. Do you know that when I see a parent screaming at their kid in the store and a child throwing a tantrum I secretly smile and am happy to be reminded that it isn’t just me and my kid. I know, that’s evil but it’s true:)
Best thing to tell yourself, no matter how hard at the moment, is that it will pass. He is pushing your buttons to get a reaction, even if it is a negative one. And you’re right he knows in the end you love him unconditionally. However, it is likely at that age he is trying to see if he can outsmart you and gain the upperhand. I always found that letting him stew for a while until he was ready to use his words calmly and respectfully changed that behavior.
Good luck and i look forward to reading your blog some more.
I am super late in giving you my 2 cents, I’m sorry. I just wanted to commiserate with you and say that this really sucks. But, unless it’s really cold, I wouldn’t worry about leaving him in the car, in the garage, safely locked up, until you can take a few breaths. Even if it’s 15 minutes. I think that car seats might have been designed by Moms like us.
Then the wine and behavioral help sounds good!
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