Yesterday baby S turned 1. It’s a mixed bag of emotions for me. I’m so happy with who she is that part of me beamed with pride watching her shove cake into her mouth wearing her little party hat. I can just see the little person she’s going to grow into and part of me feels this weird maternal gushy feeling when I think about it. Another part of me wants to just stop everything right where it is. She’s perfect now. I don’t want to ruin it by her growing up. Then there’s the part of me that knows that my baby days are over. And that part is a sad, hollow feeling. That part is ruled not by my mind at all. My sensible mind knows I don’t want any more kids. But my inner-animal-hormonal-crazy-person wants more babies. Wants ‘em bad.

We had a small family party which S mostly slept through. L had a wonderful time playing with his cousins in the yard, on the swings, in the wading pool and sprinkler, and eating as many tomatoes out of the garden as they could. It was one of those times when the kids were all running around happily and mostly independently and the grown ups just got to sit back and watch. One of those fleeting moments when I think, “This is why people have kids. It’s wonderful to have all these kids around. This is the life.” I don’t get a ton of those moments, so I have to soak it up when I do!

L has been looking forward to S’s birthday forever. Whenever I mentioned it, he double checked that he’s going to get to blow out the candles since S doesn’t know how. I reassure him that he will, and his excitement for the big day grows and grows. He was so beside himself with excitement, just for the candles thing as far as I could tell, that I didn’t even tell him about the party until about 1/2 hour before when I brought the balloons up from the basement and started decorating. This is when I worried that L’s exuberance and excitement would actually burst through his skin. Can a kid die of excitement? Because if it’s possible, L would be in danger. The phrase “bouncing off the walls” makes so much more sense now. I always thought it was an exaggeration, a metaphor. But it’s not at all. My poor walls.

Back to the party. S wakes up in time for pizza and cake. L’s big moment has finally arrived! Imagine his shock and bitter disappointment when the wind blows out the candles before I even make it to the table! His face crumbles as we’re singing the last notes of Happy Birthday. “Noooooooo!” He pounds his fist on the table, and falls backwards onto the ground in a rage of hysterics. The unfairness of it all is too much to bear. Luckily, I have a book of matches and the day is saved.

All in all the day went remarkably well. Naturally, S had no idea what was going on, but liked it. L was in heaven and aside from the candle/wind disaster behaved very well. And now it’s behind me and I’m left with my growing-up daughter who I can’t stop from changing. And a bunch of baby clothes and toys that I have no future need for. Funny, I can’t part with the clothes. Even the baby stuff I loaned to my sister for Nephew, I got back. So my basement is full of containers of baby clothes. That’s inner-animal-hormonal-crazy-person’s doing for sure!