Warning: as I write this I am in the middle of a battle. I am currently angry. Everything I may say here is the stuff I think while in the throes of this shit. These are not the sane thoughts I may have a few hours from now. After bedtime, after a glass (likely more) of wine.
New parenting strategy sucks and fails. Instead of engaging L in the daily battle for him to poop, I decided to let him do whatever he wants. So, when he pooped a bit in his pants, but still refused to go the rest of the way on the toilet, I said “OK, we’re late to meet our friends, let’s go.” Then, at the playground, when he couldn’t run around with his friends, and he kept going to stand in a corner with his legs crossed in desperation, I let him know that at any time I could take him to the potty at the playground, or we could go home to go potty. He declined. We stayed at the park. Then, when we got home and found that he had pooped more in his pants, I sat him on the toilet. That brings us to now. I had to walk out of the bathroom because I was going to lose it. I was going to get in his face and scream at him that what he’s doing it so stupid. He is refusing to poop, STILL. He is also crying because his bottom is so sore from being filthy all this time. So, leaving my idiot 3-year-old to his own devices does not work. What else can I do? I don’t have the patience or kindness for this.
This is not a potty training thing. L has been potty trained for nearly a year and a half. This is a recent phenomenon that I didn’t originally handle well and it has now turned into a major issue. I give the kid Miralax daily to ensure he does not become constipated. He does, eventually, have at least one bm per day.
I’m at my wit’s end. I quit. I want to holler from the rooftop that I have a malfunctioning 3-year-old for sale.
There, I said it all. I called my child an idiot and you all witnessed it. This is my secret inner dialogue and maybe I really am the only mom who has it. Maybe you are now thinking that this really isn’t a blog you want to read after all, since I’m clearly the meanest mom ever. But this is just where I am right now. And maybe I’m not the only one. Maybe some morsel of this mommy-tantrum is familiar to someone else.
My son is in the other room crying. I am out of my depth. If I can’t handle a 3-year-old’s poop issues, how am I going to manage my kids’ problems when they’re older and the problems are bigger? Obviously I don’t have what it takes.
OK, deep breath. I don’t know if I can say kind things to L right now. But I can read him a book. Here I go.
You are not alone. Anyone mother who tells you differently is lying.
Oh Allison, I feel for you. We’re going through a similar thing at our house…E. potty trained easily at 22months, and now at 34months is averaging 1-2 “accidents” a day (thankfully just pee). Sometimes it does seem like he’s just distracted or doesn’t make it in time, but many times it’s SO clearly intentional (like when he peed down the stairs…or when I turned around from cooking after hearing him mutter something about fire hoses to find that he’d dropped trou in the middle of the kitchen and was watering our floor). And I’m finding it really, really hard not to be completely pissed about it, to stay calm, to not respond in a way that probably makes the situation worse (like, oh, angrily yanking him into the bathroom to put a long-ago-retired diaper on him. or forcing him into the tub and rinsing his pee-soaked legs while he screams bloody murder.) Sigh.
My latest method—which works about half the time—is to remind myself that SO many boys are just starting to potty train now, that at least I got a blessed year diaper free, and that he’ll get back to it sooner or later. I’m trying to see this as just a stop on the potty-training continuum rather than a reversion from a process that seemed complete; when I can think of it that way it helps me be just a *little* less angry…
Oh that sounds so frustrating, but I did laugh a bit when I read it. I actually spoke to a child psychologist I met at an event about it and she said that it likely isn’t a stop on the potty training continuum for L. That most likely, it’s a delayed reaction to the new baby. But even understanding that, and even feeling empathetic towards him about his feelings around the baby, I still can’t take it in stride. It sucks.
Has anything changed in your house hold recently? For us, the baby is 8 months and this pooping thing has been going on for maybe 3-4 months and it’s getting worse and worse. He also potty trained very easily before he was 2. He asked to go on the potty and that was that. You’re right that a lot of boys are just starting now, and I do not envy their parents! A 3 year old is a lot more stubborn that a younger toddler.
Ha! Of course I forgot to mention that I have a four month old. And yeah, I’m sure it’s totally related. I guess what I meant is that even if he has accidents for another year (god I hope not), we’re still “ahead” since he trained so early.
I figure using the potty and eating are about the only things a toddler has control over…I’m scared that my good eater might be getting much much pickier soon, argh. Here’s to hoping that things get better for both of us soon!
That really is frustrating. Times like this makes being a mom hard,depressing. The best thing we can do is to first calm down and then regroup our thoughts and emotions, then decide a better solution and approach on the problem.
I agree wholeheartedly. It’s nearly impossible to deal with the situation before you when you’re blinded by your own anger and frustration. I literally walked out of the bathroom, typed that post, and went back in. Just getting the feelings down in writing helped me sort myself out.
Okay so you are not the worst mother in the world…I went through the same thing and said really mean, mean things to my 3 year old daughter (who did not potty train until 3.5 peeing and 4 pooping btw). One time I was so sick of changing her messy accidents (we give her exlax and miralax everyday for constipation) and getting poop in my hands that I wiped a bit on her face and asked her how she liked it…so “no” you are not the worse mother…I might be!
Oh, Nicole!! Before having kids I never would have believed that moms do and say the things we do and say to our kids in absolute frustration. Thanks so much for sharing. It is great to hear stories like these to know that none of us is alone in this.
It is so amazing how much poop we are smelling, touching, cleaning, wiping when we take care of children! I still have to laugh when I remember my husband calling to me for assistance when changing my youngest son’s diaper. Somehow he’d managed to get poop EVERYWHERE, from his head to his hands and his shirt and his pants. (This was my husband, the baby was just dirty on his bottom.)
My older son was fully potty trained and yet had to experiment with it, pooping in the sink, for instance, after he’d put all of his tub toys in there. NOT a beautiful site.
All this crap can bring out the worst in us, it is amazing that we all seem to survive.
Lisa, this made me actually laugh out loud. I remember when L was first born, I was stuck in bed post c-section and T was changing his first ever diaper, (both T’s and L’s!). He got meconium EVERYWHERE. It was everywhere on L, on T, on the little hospital bassinet thing. I had to call in a nurse to rescue us. We thoroughly believed that we were not cut out to be parents from this episode.
OMG!!!! I can’t believe it but this exact same thing is going on in our house. Our perfectly potty trained 3 yo has just stopped pooping… in the potty that is. Little streaks in his underwear all day long, no problem. Miralax, check. Underwear that is so disgusting I am throwing it out and labeling it a biohazard, check. Bribery M&M’s, check. Pleading, begging, bargaining, check. Screaming and yelling, check. Done it all. Nothing works. Cam is now wearing pull ups and I have given up. He can go to college in them for all I care…. Love your blog Allison.
Andrea
I’m so sorry you’re going through this too. It’s the WORST. I took away all of L’s beloved character underpants and got him some plain white ones. If he goes a week with no accidents he can have his cool ones back. If that doesn’t work I’ll resort to pull ups too. Did it hurt Cam’s ego, or does he not care?
Glad you like the blog!!
We are having similar poop issues too, with a nearly 5yo. They have been on and off for years now, actually. She will go weeks with no problem, then suddenly become terrified of pooping. After days of extra Miralax (which she already gets daily), prune juice and much coaxing and begging from me and my husband, she will eventually go. We just spent a weekend on a family trip in Philly that, while not ruined by this, was severely affected . She will run around clutching her tush. She will lie down, completely listless and not feeling well. She will run to the toilet, desperate to go, and tehn jump off the minute success is near. And she refuses to do the one thing that will make her feel better. I am at a loss.
Oh no! That sounds awful. My sister had a similar issue with her then 4 year old and she took her to a poop specialist. I think it’s a psychologist who specializes in children with poop issues. One visit absolutely cured her. Insane! Maybe there’s a Dr like this in your area? Good luck!
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This is the stuff that many moms just never talk about: the anger that we can feel toward our kids. It’s baffling – how can these little people who we brought into the world sometimes bring out the worst in us?
Bug, my 4.5-yr-old, can set me into fits of anger that seem like they could overtake me. It’s horrible. It feels awful. I have to put her in her room while she is having a screaming tantrum so I can go collect myself somewhere, as far away from her as possible. I take a deep breath. And then I start over. It happened just this morning. While she was screaming her head off, I cranked up some kiddie music and danced with Boo, my little one. That calmed me down enough to breathe, then go back upstairs and deal with Bug in a rational, calm way.
Today it is rainy and yucky, and my patience is not good from getting very little sleep last night (Boo has a cold and couldn’t sleep unless I was holding her – until 2am). I recognize I am not at my parenting best. So the girls are watching Nemo and I am having a time-out. And I’m not going to be ashamed to pop in another movie in the late afternoon. My sanity needs it today.
So glad your blog exists. So nice to read real accounts of real life with kids, and know I’m not alone.
I think the biggest thing I’ve learned since I started the blog is that you are not alone! Good luck with the rest of your day.
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I realize that this is an older post but I clicked on to it after having read the newest one. No you are not alone and all I can say is I tried to do potty training with my oldest 3 DIFFERENT TIMES lasting several months each. He will still pee in an overnight pull-up at age 4 when he is awake in the morning simply because he’s lazy and knows what he has on means he doesnt’ have to go to the bathroom. oh well. we’re not the only ones. the only thing I learned out of all that was there is no way in hell I am potty training my second son at age 2 (currently he is age 2). we will just wait.
Currently I am changing two kids’ diapers every day (ages 2 and 5 months) with at least 6 poops per day in cloth diapers and I dont’ care because anything is better than what I went through with my oldest. my husband says oh I think the 2yo could start with potty training and I say no way.
There are sooooo many things I used to think about parenting before I ever had kids that just do not apply any more. I swear my favorite book title is, “I was a great mom before I had kids.”
L still pees in his overnight pull up in the morning as well. Drives me nuts. I actually think he might be waking up dry on most mornings, but then he pees when he wakes up. I can’t imagine making that choice if I were in his shoes.
I am new to your blog and someone recomended it to me after I mentioned hw sick and tired I am of hearing mothers talk about their perfect little angels and going on about how beautiful and amazing and fluffy motherhood is…
I love my kids to death,I would give my life (although I think I already hav lol) for them…but come on! Sometimes it flat out sucks!!!
Im 33,I have 3 kids (14,12 and 3 years old) and no,you are certainly not alone.Infact,you have enspired me to start my own blog and Im sure that you´ll find that my irrational thoughts mid-tantrum are waaaaaay worse than yours lol.
I LOVE this blog,and I thank the heavens that blogs like this actually exsist.This is reality…no,its not strawberry flavoured or covered in cotton candy,but its what Im used to and what I see daily.I can identify with your every word.
Thank you for being so honest. I am having the exact same problem with my son. I found myself red faced and screaming in the bathroom “JUST POOP”, after he sits on the potty FOREVER only to get up and crap in his pants. I clearly do not have what it takes or will it just be easier in 12 years when I find weed in his dresser drawer?
I love your blog even more after reading this. I don’t have any kids, yet but am expecting my first Sept. 2011. I helped my sister with my nephew and niece while I lived with her and I’ve only glimpsed at the frustration that can come with little ones. I appreciate reading though your posts and I get a strange sense of comfort; your stories give great examples of the struggles that I wouldn’t imagine otherwise. I was laughing my ass off about the M&Ms at the theater.
You are not alone on this..but looks like you already know that and I was happy to read this post to know that similar stories and parents exist and I am not the only one. A few years back I went through this same ordeal. My son was 2 I believe and he was potty trained somewhat with maybe one miss but then all of a sudden he refused to poop. Would cross his lets and do everything to prevent him self from going. I had major tantrums, I screamed and yelled and tried the nice approach and nothing seemed to work… ( I don’t know if it had anything to do with that my child is behind on a few things or that he is just a stubborn boy) In any case it did get better and like after a year of torture or more he finally got it down. I don’t remember though what method finally worked all I can tell you I spend quite a bit of time by the toilet.